Randomness from the Right Side of the Bed

Present and Accounted for

2011-11-09T21:06:00.000-06:00

In some aspects, I've been busy lately and, in others, I've been avoiding.

There have been good days, bad days, and in-between days.

I've typed words and deleted them many times.

Some days, I feel like wiping this clean and starting over but I'm not quite ready to let go of some of the memories I've shared here.

So, where does that leave things? Here, there, and everywhere.

But, I am still here - and, on some days, that alone is a miracle and a blessing.

It's not all doom and gloom around here but it's not sunshine, rainbow, and glittery unicorn poop either. It's a steady wave of ups and downs and we're just riding it out.

There's a new opportunity on the horizon that could really change things for us and give us a chance at a restart. I'm looking forward to it but I'm also scared that we might crash and burn. But, we'll never know if we don't try so all we can do now is prepare ourselves and get ready for another wave.

Never Forget

2011-09-11T18:49:00.000-05:00

I have never done a post about September 11th, 2001 since I started this blog back in 2007, mostly because that day held a different meaning for me at that time.

Sept. 11, 2001 - I was getting ready for work that morning with the TV on for background noise. I was in the midst of fixing my lunch when I heard the announcement about the first plane hitting the first tower of the World Trade Center. I stood transfixed on the screen and watched as the second plane hit the second tower. As I was working at a mental health agency, the first thing that crossed my mind was how our clients would react to this situation. I quickly got my things together and rushed to work, where most of my co-workers already had TVs and radios tuned in to the news. Since we were located far from all the activity, we didn't get as many calls or panic attacks as we were expecting; I'm sure they were all watching like we were, trying to figure it all out. I went home at the end of the day to my apartment and watched all the coverage with my kitten, not remotely interested in stopping by the bar I usually went to every night.

Sept. 11, 2002 and 2003 - On each anniversary, it was me and my cat again, watching footage of that day and reliving the tragedy and loss. In 2003, one of my former co-workers was serving in the Army over in Afghanistan so it was a little more personal that year.

Sept. 11, 2004 - I had just started dating my now-husband a few weeks before and we traded stories of what we had been doing that day. He had been in the military at the time and, after the attacks, awaited orders to be sent overseas; unfortunately (fortunately?), he blew out his knee shortly afterwards while still in boot camp, which ended his military career.

Sept. 11, 2005 - We were engaged on this anniversary and living in Florida with his parents. I was in between jobs while he was working at a local nursing home. I had woken up early that day, feeling a little "off". While sitting in the quiet as he slept, I thought about a little secret plan we had hatched and my suspicions were soon confirmed. I waited until he woke up to tell him...on the other hand, he quickly ran out of our room to tell his parents and his grandparents, who had come over for lunch that day, that we were expecting our first child. I felt a little weird celebrating on such a solemn day but everyone's excitement pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind.

Sept. 11, 2006 - We were married for 6 months by this point. We didn't get to spend much time reflecting on the 5 year anniversary, as we were preparing to move from Florida back to my home state of Texas with our 4 month old son.

Sept. 11, 2007 - We were in Texas and had moved into a bigger place, as we now had our 16 mo. old son and a 1 month old girl. I was back at work part-time from my maternity leave while he had left his job about 6 months before to stay at home to raise the kids.

Sept. 11, 2008 - We had moved again into a bigger place because we had just added another girl to our family the month before. While remembering the events 7 years before, a new era appeared to be around the corner with Obama running for president.

Sept. 11, 2009 and 2010 - We no longer had cable by this point so we were not as inundated with all the 9/11 coverage. Instead, we were focused on keeping the little ones entertained and all the everyday minutia.

So, that brings us to this year, the 10 year anniversary. It's amazing how so much as changed in that time, both in my personal life and the world at large. Our son is starting on his first soccer team, our oldest girl is losing her first tooth, and the youngest one is being potty trained. Our sense of security as a nation has been rocked to the core and we're still recovering from it. I've been avoiding most of the coverage this year because, for me, it is time to move forward. We do plan on educating our children about 9/11 once they get old enough to explain what happened without giving them nightmares in the process. We will definitely never forget that day but it is time to move forward to a hopefully brighter future.

Oh happy day(s)

2011-07-16T17:25:00.000-05:00

This has been a pretty good week for me - halle-freaking-lujah! I have been catching up on a lot of stuff at work, the kids haven't been complete holy terrors, and we're finally getting back on track with our finances after me being really sick in May and going out of state for a funeral in June.

On the whole work topic, my supervisor invited me to go to the major state conference for our field, which was a huge surprise. I ended up having to pass on going because it would have set me behind on my work and I've really been making an effort to try and get a little bit ahead. Due to major changes in our budget, there are going to be some staff changes coming down the pipeline. I'm hoping to still be around for a while since I do have so much experience but I'm also hoping that passing on the conference doesn't come back to haunt me later on. I knew that I would be in trouble and get behind otherwise.

I've been doing computer time each night with the kids to work on their phonics and math skills. They have been really excited about it so far so hopefully we'll start to see some results from the effort. We are getting ready for the girls' birthday coming up next month. We're heading down to my hometown to hang with my mom and little sister for an extended weekend. She has volunteered to use her AARP discount to get us a hotel room...mainly because she doesn't want all 5 of us crammed in their little apartment and because my sister wants to go swimming in a nicer pool. We might exchange pool time for babysitting time so we can run away and do dinner and a movie :)

My decluttering efforts have come to a bit of a standstill with most of my energy being split between work and the family. I've been getting better about taking care of the mail as it comes in, which made it easy to find some paperwork I needed earlier in the week. I've almost gotten all of our financial papers taken care of so the next area after I complete that will be working on all the things I've gathered for homeschooling the kids. Arts and crafts stores are my downfall because I will grab all kinds of supplies with grand ideas in my head but they don't get executed. So, I will be going through our storage tote of craft supplies to see what we actually have and make a list of them.

Tonight I'm going out with the girls and I'm very excited about that. We usually will go out drinking about once a month or so. Most of my girlfriends are single and childless so it's a little weird going out with them but we make it fun. One of my girlfriends and I are planning on getting season tickets to the women's basketball games this year because we had so much fun going to the NCAA playoff games this past season. I'm trying to take more time out for myself this year and doing things that I had pushed aside, like sleeping and reading.

So, that's what's new over here...until next time :)

Cleanup cleanup, let's do it together

2011-06-26T19:39:00.000-05:00

That's what our kids sing when they pick up toys at night before bed. I tried an experiment this week of separating the toys out by which kid plays with it the most and putting it in their designated backpack. 2 of the kids dump their toys out on a daily basis, the 3rd (our middle kiddo) has kept all of her in her backpack since I first separated them out. While doing this has helped us to see which toys they're actually playing with, it has backfired some since the living room is still a royal mess most of the day. I'm half tempted to go back to using a toy chest that the kids used when they were younger so they can just dump all their toys in there and pull out what they want. Daddy worked on cleaning up his workspace today so he can get back into some of his craft projects later this week. I worked on going through some of our old financial papers today and cleared out a lot of paper clutter...the shredder (and the grill when we use it) are going to be busy! I decided on a decluttering plan this weekend - I am going to only work on paper and physical clutter on the weekends when I have time to separate it out and really focus in on it. During the weeknights, I am going to start working on my digital "clutter" after I get home from work. We were talking this weekend and realized that we are starting to run out of space on our hard drives (yes, plural). So, I'm going to start looking over what is on my computer to see what can be deleted and what needs to be dealt with/reorganized. Wish me luck!

Summer Cleaning

2011-06-21T22:09:00.000-05:00

Image: scottchan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I have been on a cleaning and purging spree this summer. We've gotten rid of several boxes of stuff that I had no clue we had or needed. It started out with clearing out some of the kids' toys as our oldest's birthday approached. We anticipated several new toys coming and realized that they don't even play with half of the toys they already had. From there, a massive clean-up happened in anticipation of a family visit that never happened (but that's a story for another day). Oh, the dust bunnies we found around the house...we could've created another cat out of it. I have to give much credit to Daddy for clearing out a lot of his old hobbies and "projects" that have been lingering around the house. I've been reading a lot of minimalism/simple living blogs lately and they have been a great inspiration to get us on track. We've been talking about the possibility of moving into an RV at some point but we would have to drop a lot of things to do that. Hopefully, once we get things a little more organized and decluttered, I'll post some pictures of our progress.

A new day, a new post

2011-06-20T23:38:00.000-05:00

I took a bit of an unexpected leave of absence. I thought about dumping this blog and starting anew but that wouldn't be right...there's history here that needs to stay here. However, I did decide to weed out some of the older entries that were mainly just mindless blathering to see myself writing. So, what does this mean? It means that there will be some gaps in my blog but I think I may finally be ready to do this thing...whatever it might be.

Here's a little mood music for this time of year down in the South...

Just call me Veruca

2010-08-24T19:14:00.002-05:00

I have a raging background headache and an insatiable need to eat everything in the kitchen. I originally thought that maybe I hadn't eaten enough at lunch but, lo and behold, the true source of my fiending finally hit me (men and squeamish types may want to run now). Ever since I got my Mirena inserted, it has been a godsend because I used to have the Red Sea going on. However, since Miss Mirena moved in, it's been more like a sprinkle here and a sprinkle there (cue angelic choir) But, one of the downsides is that, while that has improved, the hormonal shift each month has not. As I joked once with the hubs, it's all the hormones of a period without all the bleeding - Period Light or Diet Period. Part of my weird shift each month is a raging headache at the beginning and towards the end of my cycle. Also, I want to eat and I want to eat NOW!!! And, everything too - I've already scarfed down 4 refried bean and pico de gallo tacos and chugged a Coke Zero since I got home 3 hours ago. I've almost finished a lovely adult beverage and I see either sweets or a salty snack on the horizon next (wow, donuts sound good right now). Tomorrow will probably be just as bad too. But you must excuse me now, I need to go bash my head into my desk to relieve some of this weird pain/pressure :)

Eureka...I think

2010-08-22T20:21:00.003-05:00

My husband and i were talking this afternoon about possible career options for him (he's thinking about going back to school) and, later in the evening, i found myself getting more and more frustrated with the kids' behavior. After a while, i said to him that i didn't know how he found the patience to deal with them on a daily basis and he stated that he didn't know how i had the patience to do my job and deal with some of the people i have to work with. Suddenly, it dawned on me that i expend so much of my patience at work that i have little left by the time i get home.

So, what to do...find a new job? move to a new place? go back to school? Unfortunately, i don't have a solid answer at this point. i looked at job listings tonight but that effort felt fruitless because i'm not sure if i even want to stay in the same job field anymore. i really do like helping people but i get frustrated by the lack of opportunities, lack of funding for programs that are needed to truly help, and those who are looking for the world to do everything for them. Having worked in the social work field for almost 8 years, it's what i know and do best - i've worked with all ages, all incomes, all kinds of different physical, mental, and developmental disabilities. Just when i think i've seen and heard it all, something new pops up and that's exciting to me. But, this is the second time that my work life has started to majorly affect my personal life. The last time, i let it get to the point that i was crying several days a week either before or after work and i don't want to let it go that far this time. The kids are still young and i don't want to miss out on things with them because i'm too stressed out to deal with them. Plus, if we were to move or make any major changes to our current lifestyle, they probably wouldn't even notice or care.

In short, this coming year may lead to a lot of changes around here and hopefully i can keep what little sanity i have intact in the meantime. Are you ready? because i'm not sure i am yet.

One step at a time

2010-08-19T20:08:00.004-05:00

One of the reasons why I haven't blogged in a long time is that I didn't want to seem like a Debbie Downer all the time - in fact, I almost didn't blog tonight because of that. Yes, I know, I have a lot to be grateful for in my life but I'm not satisfied with where my life is currently at. Yes, I also know that it's up to me to make said changes to get to where I want to be and I have started making a few baby steps. Major baby step #1 was starting the decluttering process. Having to downsize from a 4-bedroom house to a 3-bedroom one forced us to sit down and really go through what we had and what we didn't need. I had been wanting to do this for a long time but never had any motivation to do it because we had the space to store it all. Plus, the idea of tackling the clutter was too overwhelming for both of us. Luckily, I got turned on to the Flylady, who has become a lifesaver for my sanity most days. One of her mantras is that things don't have to be perfect, just better than they were. This one is huge for me because I have a tendency of getting so focused on making things "perfect" that I either took on too much and couldn't finish or I would shut down out of fear that I couldn't do it. Another of her major teachings is that anything can be done 15 minutes at a time. The timer on my cell phone has become a wonderful tool to get myself on track or keep myself from getting obsessed with my task. Speaking of tasks, time to get the kids to bed so later!

Whistling in the Dark

2010-08-18T21:31:00.002-05:00

So...
*awkward shuffling of feet*
yeah....
*looking around*
uhm, hi and stuff like that.

I know, I know, I know - I'm a sucky blogger! It's just so hard trying to figure out what to say here and not sound like a bumbling idiot (like now). Anywho, we've gone through another round of holidays, birthdays, and yet another move - this time a downsize which actually forced us to take stock of what we had in our house. We've got 2 mostly potty trained kids now and we'll be starting on #3 as soon as we get the big potty seat back from Papa and Gigi (boring story, long but pretty fun weekend).

Buuuut! what I guess I'm trying to say is that I'm back for now, who knows how long this will last this time but, for some reason, there are still some people following all this insanity along at home (Bob, what do we have for our home players? A quickie blog post, Sam!).

So, toodles for now and more to come later.

Happily Ever After

2009-10-23T22:14:00.002-05:00

i got to be the "maid" of honor in a client's wedding tonight. It was a pretty simple ceremony but the amount of love in the room was palpable. The groom was ready to cry, the mother of the bride was crying, the groom's dad teared up a little bit. It was really nice and i can't commend the pastor and his wife enough for all the work they put into the ceremony.

Of course, during the ceremony, i flashed back to Our wedding. i remember that, when we first met online, some of the people in the chat room tried to warn me that He was a no-good player who would break my heart. And, when we told them that he was moving to Texas to live with me, more warnings came flooding in. But, my heart told me to trust and believe. When he told me that he had to go back to Florida, i knew i couldn't let a good thing go, especially since i had nothing really keeping me here at the time. So, off i went and i didn't look back either. Looking back on things, it all seemed to happen so fast and it was a little crazy at times. But, we managed to make it work and come out only a little bit worse for wear.

Our ceremony was very simple and laid back but it worked for us. my family wasn't able to make it to the ceremony but His dad walked me down the aisle. Since i was 7 months pregnant, a regular wedding dress was out but His grandmother let me wear one of her dresses. There weren't a lot of decorations but we got married in His grandparents' front yard under the trees. We couldn't afford a fancy honeymoon but we were able to get a couple days off from work to hole up in a local hotel and do some shopping.

When we met with the chaplain for our marriage counseling, the best piece of advice i think he gave us was that, if we could keep laughing together like we do, our marriage will last a long time. And, He can still make me laugh, even when i want to be mad at Him. Love may be blind and it may not always make sense...but, for that, i am definitely thankful :)

blah

2009-10-22T23:01:00.002-05:00

not much to say today because i'm too freaking tired so here's the short list of thanks:

my co-workers T, R, J, and D, who make my work days much more manageable
a whole work day without voicemail messages (woohoo!)
spinach dip (yummies both warm and cold)
colder nights, perfect for snuggling with a warm kitty (and Daddy too)

i'll have a more substantial post tomorrow. but, until then, i leave you with this...the $12 was paid forward towards a lovely lunch with one of my clients today, who particularly enjoyed the strawberry milkshake she got.

Holy Frijoles!

2009-10-21T22:00:00.002-05:00

i guess i'm getting some kind of good karma from blogging on a regular basis because today was a pretty good day. so, in no particular order, things i'm thankful for today:

the uber-numminess that is nutella (ok, we don't have nutella but this knock-off pralinetta is pretty good too)
having a work day with no voicemail messages waiting for me and an hour of quiet at the beginning AND end of the day
the musical geniuses in Weezer and They Might Be Giants (i <3>
Simple Green (because any parent knows that the stuff will rock your socks off - and clean them too!)
the fact that i "have" to go into work late tomorrow so i don't go into overtime Friday
and, last but not least, my dear husband (love ya babe!), who celebrated his 27th birthday yesterday mostly with the kids (but i made it up to him after the kids went to bed *winkwink, nudgenudge*)

the next couple days will be interesting because i was asked to be maid of honor in a client's wedding. yes, i am aware that i am technically a "matron" of honor with kids and husband and such but they keep calling me the "maid" of honor so i'm rolling with it. tomorrow is the rehearsal and the wedding will be Friday night. so, rather than ringing in the weekend as i normally do (aka boozing it up while watching some Netflix), i will be spending it with my client and his soon-to-be wife along with what i imagine to be a colorful cast of characters. i'm going to try and tweet as much of the evening as i can but it's kinda hard to discreetly text while standing up in front of a bunch of people. but, anywho, off to take advantage of the extra sleepytime!

Today's Thank You goes to....

2009-10-20T21:35:00.002-05:00

Thank you to whoever managed to pay for my birthday lunch today.

At work, we've started taking everyone who has a birthday for the month out to lunch. This month, it's my birthday along with 2 of my co-workers and we all decided on Mexican for lunch. i ended up getting to lunch late because my previous appointment ran late. So, by the time i got there, i ended up getting stuck on the other end of the table from my friends at work. Everyone had already ordered so i had to quickly pick something so i wouldn't be waiting forever on my food. It was your typical chain Tex-Mex food so nothing spectacular. While i was eating, a birthday card was passed down to me but my mood was sour enough by then that i didn't want to open it yet. Our waiter (who was very nice btw) got to-go drinks, boxes, and our receipts for us. i didn't get one but i just figured that my co-worker, who had organized the lunch, had gotten mine and paid for it. When i got back into the car and opened up my card, i found $12 in it, which surprised me. Later on, the organizer came into my office and asked me if i liked the lunch and asked me if the $12 was enough. i have to admit that i was multitasking when she came in so i just said yeah and moved on. It wasn't until later that it dawned on me that she didn't pay for my lunch after all. But, the waiter never gave me a receipt for my meal either.

So, i'm not sure who ended up paying for my lunch....one of my co-workers, the waiter, some stranger. But, the $12 i got today will be paid forward - it was meant for me and someone took care of me. So, now it's my turn.

A Quick Thanks

2009-10-19T21:59:00.002-05:00

To Robert, my cashier at Walmart tonight...

i entered Walmart on the hunt for a cheap pack of diapers, 2 gallons of milk, and a small pack of wipes. i happened to also leave the store with a bottle of Boone's Farm Blue Hawaiian (hey, the theme tonight was cheap). Dearest Robert, you managed to turn my frown upside down while regaling me with your teenage hijinks with the infamous cheap wine. And, i must admit that a chuckle may have escaped as i left the store, watching you play air guitar to "Smoke on the Water" as it wafted out of the game arcade. As i indulge myself in a viewing of Pulp Fiction, i raise a glass of the Windex-colored treat to you.

Salud Roberto, may you continue to enjoy your trip down memory lane tonight.

Everyday is Like Sunday

2009-10-18T17:42:00.003-05:00

So, yeah, i'm back....again. Since i was last here, we've been working on potty training with Godzilla (which is hit and miss, literally), the girls have had their birthdays (2 and 1 now), our car is finally paid off (yay!), and we've had another fun audit at work. Oddly enough, the audit made me take note of what needs to be done around the office and i think making that list actually took some stress off of me. and now that my stress level has lowered, i've discovered that i'm able to focus more on the family - playing more with the kids (i took several breaks while writing this, in fact), spending more time with Daddy away from our computers (Netflix has been a big help there), and getting things clean and better organized around the house.

For the past couple months, i've been reading Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach and today's entry hit home for me. It was about loss and being thankful for each day you have. A couple weeks ago, i was going through the girls' clothes to get out their fall/winter clothes and see which spring/summer clothes could be donated. i was folding a couple outfits and asked Daddy if he remembered what we originally got those outfits for. He couldn't remember so i reminded him that we had gotten them for the Princess to wear at my grandma's funeral. It hadn't dawned on me that it had been a little over a year since she passed away and it didn't fully hit me until a couple days later. i have a couple pictures of my grandma on my bedside table and i was looking at them when i realized that she was gone, really gone. She hadn't had a chance to meet the Diva before she passed but we had talked about the fact that i was going to have 2 girls and a boy, just like she did. It probably didn't help matters that my Papa's birthday passed recently, although i'm sure he didn't even realize it. He's been in a nursing home for about a year and half due to dementia from Alzheimer's. Prior to being moved in there, he had been staying with my grandma. i honestly think that taking care of him had kept her going so, once he was gone, it was just a matter of time.

But, back to the entry...it was a good reminder that we don't know when our time is up. So, all those scented candles that i've been saving to burn "one day" are going to be used. The brand new journal i bought a month ago is going to be written in. The fancy chocolate i've been seeing in the store will be tried. And, the blog i've been neglecting will have posts again. So, expect to see more out of me.

Honey, i'm home! (or am i?)

2009-07-30T21:21:00.002-05:00

We've spent the past week getting moved into our new place - we were desperate for more space plus we had too many people to stay where we were at (since when do little kids count as a whole person in living spaces? then again, them and their toys take up enough space as an adult). anywho, i've pretty much been away from the net for about a week, aside from the occasional glances while at work or when i had a moment to catch up on twitter through my work blackberry (thanks work for my precious!) . i thought i would go through massive withdrawals but i've been so tired each night that checking out things out in the rest of the world didn't really feel that important (not that i haven't missed you guys). i came back to 666 posts in my Google reader (yes, i had a little chuckle at that when i saw it) and got to catch up on some of the world events i had missed out on while being without internet or TV (Beer Summit? really??). i also got to catch up on some of the BlogHer/mommy blogger drama that i had seen flashes of on twitter. i haven't even gotten through half of the posts in my reader and i'm almost ready to take another sabbatical from mass media. this might sound sad but tonight was the first night that we sat down and ate dinner together at the table! without the TV on! and without Mommy or Daddy being partially glued to the computer! i've been out from work most of the week dealing with the move and unexpected car problems - and honestly, i haven't missed it one bit and i'm dreading having to go back tomorrow. i guess what i'm trying to say in all this is that this week has been a big reminder of what's really important to me. my kids are only going to be this little once and i haven't found the right balance between them/time with Daddy/work/time with my family/life in general yet. and, i don't know if there is a "right balance" to life but, if anyone has any clues, could you please let me know?

No better time than the present

2009-06-20T17:50:00.002-05:00

i've been pretty quiet lately because there has been a lot going on - at work, with the family, with me, with Daddy. as a result, our love life has taken a hit once again. it came to a head this morning when words were said and, while they were not meant, they still hurt. so, while the kids were down for their nap, we talked about things. since the kids weren't around, it gave us a chance to focus on just us and stay in the moment. i know we've all read it a million and one times and you think to yourself "yeah, i can do that". but then, bills are due, the kids are fighting, it's hot outside, the car's broken down, the cat needs food, i forgot to call my mom, etc etc. there were a couple of points when my mind wanted to drift and i just had to remind myself "stay in the moment, focus on the man you love and married". and trust me, it was definitely worth it *wink wink, nudge nudge* luckily, we will be moving next month into a 3-bedroom place, which means we can finally move the Diva out of our room *cue angelic choir - ok ok, naughty angelic choir singing some a lil bomchickawawa* so, the moral of the story: moms, don't forget that you're still hot stuff ('cause you wouldn't have the kids otherwise) and don't forget to show Daddy some attention too (especially with Father's Day coming up!).

Three Years

2009-05-18T21:37:00.006-05:00

today is 3 years since Godzilla entered our world and changed things forever. 3 years ago, i added a new title to my resume - "mom". despite both of us being unemployed at the time, we had decided that we wanted to start trying for a baby. call it crazy and foolish but we knew we were ready so off the pill i went. a few months later, those 2 lines showed up. i was a little nervous about the prospect of being a mom but i was oddly calm about it. when the morning sickness hit, i wasn't so cool and collected though. luckily, after the first trimester, that was over and then the belly started growing. out of the 3 kids, he got the most belly shots and it was fun to watch it grow, people trying to guess who was inside. when we found out we were having a boy, i breathed a sigh of relief. i'm not really a girly girl - i like football, NASCAR, doing shots, working with power tools - so the fact that i would have my own little buddy to pal around with was a blessing to me. Daddy and i went back and forth on names, finally deciding on a first name that was on both of our lists (we made separate lists and then narrowed them down) and Daddy actually created his middle name on His own. and then, the big day came (don't worry, i'll spare the details) and he was here.

we learned the ropes of breastfeeding together...and suffered 2 rounds of thrush together. but, i knew everything was going to be ok when you would happily snuggle in Daddy's lap, watching Him play video games (i believe Suikoden 4 was the obsession of choice at the time). you were an absolute trooper on our trip from Florida out to Texas, sleeping most of the way there, and i knew you'd fit right in around here when one of the first commercials you were enraptured by was for Ford trucks. as you grew, you charmed everyone you came across with your bubbly personality and big smile. you even charmed the food service people at the hospital when your sister was born and scored us extra desserts (mmmm carrot cake). you took your new little sister in stride too...gave her little pats and kisses on her head, didn't get jealous and try to push her off the couch. and then, when sister #2 came along, you were cool about that too - you didn't even bat an eye at having to stay squished in a hospital room yet again (although we discovered that you had developed a fear of elevators). you've tossed about your head of curls, making little old ladies everywhere squirm and frown.

it's been an adventure watching you grow and seeing the world through smaller eyes. you have developed into quite the little human sponge too - naming cars just off of their emblems, picking up on the names of our regular TV shows and channels, the occasional "ohh cwrap" (yeah yeah, momma's got some road rage). now, our new journey is in potty training and getting rid of that evil word, "mine". every once in a while, i'll catch a glimpse of a dusting of facial hair on your top lip and i flash forward to your awkward teenage years with weird mustaches, porcupine "beards", and horrible b.o. (dear god, soooo not ready for that). so, instead, i will enjoy the little moments tomorrow - when we go to the zoo and see the animals, when you get your birthday crown (that i lovingly glued together while watching The Girls Next Door - do not judge!), when you get your long-awaited "birthday caaake?...and presents?"

And, no matter how old you get, you will always be my Baby Godzilla - love, Momma

Yeah, still alive over here

2009-05-16T16:52:00.003-05:00

Sooo, what's new with you? Me? i've been lurking, keeping up on blogs and peeking in on twitter. in good news, i'm still not pregnant (yay me!); in fact, my visitor is here as we speak. i am intending on having my tubes tied but that will require being able to take some time off for recovery. as such, i have been working hard on getting my caseload in order so most of their needs will be attended to while i'm out. i say most because there's always something new in our line of work. i was actually out from work a couple days this past week because Daddy was sick with a mega-bad stomach bug. for those who don't follow me on twitter, i ended up having to take him to the ER one night because the pain was getting so bad. i hate to see what that bill is going to look like, especially since they did a CT scan. He has fully recovered, although i think He got spoiled from having me home to help out with the kids for 2 days. i have to admit that it was nice being able to catch some trashy daytime tv again (Maury and Divorce Court, anyone?)...oh, and spend extra time with the kids.
{insert break for some "redirection" of the childrens}

now, where was i? oh, yeah, spending time with the lovely kids. today, our oldest 2 decided that they didn't want to take a nap today - unfortunately, they didn't consult with us first. i guess it was payback for waking them up at 4 am to go pick Daddy up from the hospital. meanwhile, Miss Diva has discovered her voice as well as cruising along anything she can pull up on in the living room. she's attempted to escape upstairs a few times so now we have to keep the first step blocked off. no, we don't have a gate on the stairs, the kids have only bashed their heads a few times and lived to tell the tale. plus, we're a couple of lazy parents who don't feel like having to deal with a gate since we already have one to block off the kitchen.

but, enough about them, back to me - nah, i'm not that interesting. actually, i am working on my "feminine" skills (no, not those) and i actually wore full makeup to work one day this week. the most annoying thing about it was rubbing my eye a few times during the day due to rogue eyelashes and taking off my eyeshadow. go figure that, now that i'm getting older, i'm getting more girly. my mom would be thrilled - heck, she was happy when i stopped wearing all black in 8th grade (i knew everything and nothing as a middleschooler). but, i'm kinda annoyed because no one said anything so i don't think they noticed *pout* i guess that's a good thing though because one of my main concerns about wearing makeup was that it would end up looking unnatural. Ok, enough rambling for now...time to drink a couple margaritas and watch the NASCAR All-Star race :)

i am Invisible Mom!

2009-05-05T19:55:00.003-05:00

today i was going through my Google reader and came across a post from Mary Ann at The Stiletto Mom, which stunned me. recently, dr. laura schlessinger (yeah, no caps on that dr., missy) did an interview with the Wall Street Journal (yeah, see that dr. laura, they've earned their caps). dr. laura is currently promoting her new book in which she guilt-trips women into being stay-at-home moms. and before i get any flaming comments, i have nothing against stay-at-home moms but i feel that each family needs to decide what works best for them. anywho, in said interview, the wise parenting guru dispensed this bit of wisdom to the world at large:

WSJ: Where do stay-at-home dads fit into the picture?

Dr. Schlessinger: I recommend that during the first three years, the mom should be at home because all of the research shows that the person whose body you come out of and whose breast you suck at, at that stage, really needs to be the mom -- unless she's incompetent, irrelevant and immaterial. After that, flip a coin.(bold-ing added by moi)

Soooooooo, based off of this logic, apparently i have become Invisible Mom! Unable to care for her children without searching the net or one of the What to Expect series! Unloved by her children because she didn't make them sandwiches with homemade organic peanut butter (with the crusts cut off, of course) today! Unable to soothe her child (hysterically sobbing because they can't have cookies)!

yeah, dr. laura, you can #suckit!

For all the little angels

2009-04-11T17:55:00.003-05:00

I know, it's been forever (again) since I've posted. But, this is for a very important cause. A family has lost their sweet angel Maddie and, as a mother, it definitely tugged at my heartstrings. The same day I heard of Maddie's story, the Princess had dropped her full sippy cup on top of her sister's head. It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears, thinking "what if". DH and I have always joked that we seem to breed super babies because our kids seem to withstand any bumps, falls, and illnesses like it was nothing. But, not every family is so lucky. I work with clients with developmental (and a lot of times, physical) disabilities so I've seen it firsthand. So, in honor of Maddie, my blog has gone purple and we plan on donating to the March of Dimes. There are MoD March for Babies teams being formed across the country if you have the time to walk. Unfortunately, we don't have a stroller or wagon or we would be out there for our local walk. I will definitely be wearing purple on April 14th, which is when her memorial service is being held in Los Angeles. Please take time out to donate either your time to walk or a little donation (even if it's just a dollar) to the Spohr family.

Happy VD

2009-02-15T16:39:00.002-06:00

We're not traditional by any stretch of the imagination around here so there were no flowers, no mushy cards or poetry...we didn't even have any wild Valentine's monkey sex. But, we did get our tax refund in recently so we were able to treat ourselves a little. We did have a very nice Valentine's dinner of bacon-wrapped steak, roasted red potatoes, and herb butter shrimp with a glass of yummy red wine. His Valentine's present consisted of a new laptop (and all the geeky accessories) so he can work on his writing full-time. my present came today in the form of a solo shopping trip - that's right, 6 hours of shopping with no little people wanting stuff or wanting to get out of the cart or wanting to eat *insert happy Snoopy dance*

Since i started my trip a little early in the morning, i decided to hit Target first. i found a random smattering of things there, even lucked out and found a box of truffles 50% off. i still had some time to kill until the clothing shops opened up so i headed over to JoAnn's next. i was definitely glad that i did because i found quite a few scrapbooking supplies on sale and i even scored a scrapbooking storage unit for 40% off. and, on top of that, the cashier scanned a coupon for 10% off the total purchase - yay for me! After there, i headed over to Michael's and got some fun stuff for the kids (see, it wasn't all about me). i got some finger paints and 4 foam hats (pirate, construction, explorer, and cowboy) - we've been playing musical hats all night long. By that point, the clothing stores i wanted to hit were open so i headed over to the local strip mall and stopped by Kohl's first. Kohl's is a nice store and all but i barely found anything for plus size gals that wasn't too old or totally shapeless. i snuck 10 different things into the dressing room (the attendant wasn't there so it was their fault) and came out with 3 shirts and absolutely no bottoms. afterwards, i contemplated taking the shirts back but i do need to replace some of the older shirts in my wardrobe so they're staying. Next came my second gold mine of the day, Lane Bryant. Part of me wished that i had just looked for clothes there and never even bothered looking anywhere else because everything fit me so well there. i absolutely love(!) their Perfect Fit system for pants. i have never had a pair of jeans fit me so, um, perfectly *LOL* i found some more shirts and i did something i should've done years ago - i finally got a bra fitting. Ladies, i would say that this is about as important as your yearly checkup. i found out that i was totally wearing the wrong size bra and now the girls are fully upright and looking fabulous. i had to cringe a little at how much i spent there but it was well worth it and i know those clothes will stay in my wardrobe for quite a while. my last stop was Payless because what girl doesn't need new shoes? However, i was very disappointed by the selection and i was exhausted by this point. So, i called it a day and headed back home with all my goodies. While it got a little stressful at points, it was nice to get out by myself and not only treat myself but surprise the rest of the family too.

PS - We just opened up the box of truffles i found on sale and there were only 8 truffles in the box...8! i could've gotten a big bag of Hershey's Kisses or M&Ms instead :(

There's something rotten in the state of Denmark

2009-01-07T23:11:00.003-06:00

i can't explain it. this song has been stuck in my head for the past few days and, for some reason, it's really getting to me today (and no, this isn't any kind of comment on Oour relationship)...

We're driving slow through the snow on 5th avenue,
and right now radio's all that we can hear,
now we ain't talk since we left, it's so overdue.
It's cold outside but between us it's worsening.

The world slows down,
but my heart beats fast right now,
I know this is the part
where the end starts.

I can't take it any longer thought that we were stronger,
all we do is linger, slipping through my fingers
I don't wanna try now, all that's left is goodbye to
find a way that I can tell you;

I hate this part right here,
I hate this part right here,
I just can't take your tears,
I hate this part right here.

Everyday, 7 takes of the same routine,
seems we're bound by the laws of the same routine,
gotta talk to you now before we go to sleep, but will we sleep once I tell
you what's hurting me,

The world slows down,
but my heart beats fast right now,
I know this is the part
where the end starts.

I can't take it any longer thought that we were stronger,
all we do is linger, slipping through my fingers
I don't wanna try now, all that's left is goodbye to
find a way that I can tell you;

I hate this part right here,
I hate this part right here,
I just can't take your tears,
I hate this part right here.

I know you'll ask me to hold on,
and carry on like nothings wrong,
but there is no more time for lies,
cause I see sunset in your eyes.
I can't take it any longer thought that we were stronger,
all we do is linger, slipping through my fingers
I don't wanna try now, all that's left is goodbye to
find a way that I can tell you;

I gotta do it,
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it.
I hate this part
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it.

I hate this part right here,
I hate this part right here,
I just can't take your tears,
I hate this part right here.

-- "I Hate This Part" by the Pussycat Dolls

(yes, i listen to PCD...and Britney...and i've been known to sing along with a Jonas Brothers song or two, uhm i'm going to shush now)

Ho ho ho

2008-12-26T18:46:00.002-06:00

Well, we made it through Christmas in one piece and with only one annoying noisy toy. Once again, we visited my dad and his side of the family for Christmas day. It was a little sad for me because it was a reminder of my grandma's passing (speaking of which, one of my relatives had a DVD made from her funeral - morbid much?) and the fact that my Papa is in the nursing home, trapped in a world of lost memories thanks to Alzheimer's. But, anywho, we arrived at my dad's just before noon after a pretty uneventful drive. BTW, thank you to 97.1 The Eagle for their Black Christmas set - nothing sets the mood better for spending the day with my family than listening to Metallica's black album on the trip there. It was pretty uneventful really - the kids climbed up and down the stairs a million times, everyone ooh'ed and aah'ed over the newest baby, lots of gift cards, lots of food. My dad and stepmom made the unfortunate decision of purchasing a Wiggles DVD for Godzilla (that sucker's getting exchanged for a decent DVD), they got me a pair of slippers a size too small (those are going to my little sis), and they also got Daddy a sweater 2 sizes too big (i get to wear it around the house). But, the kids got new winter coats (if it ever decides to be cold again this winter, I mean 70 degrees on Christmas, please we're not in Florida anymore) and we got a good bit in Walmart gift cards and cash. We went and bought groceries and gas today with the gift cards and the cash is going towards bills (see, we can be fiscally responsible :P) We had to cut our visit shorter than planned though so I could go help out a client who was in the hospital. But, I was glad that we did after the reaction I got from my family when I explained to them that we had to leave early. I understand that it was Christmas and they wanted to spend time with the kids, but I had a client in the hospital by himself and facing surgery. All in all, it was a nice visit but I definitely see us visiting His family next Christmas, especially since I'll have a lot of vacation time saved up.

Oh, and PS, it was nice to spend a Christmas without morning sickness :)

blah

2008-12-08T21:07:00.002-06:00

i have other posts in mind but, rather than post those, i'm just going to point you here.

Yes Virginia, There Are Nice Shoppers

2008-11-29T14:31:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was Black Friday and, yes, i was one of those crazy people up in the wee hours to catch a good deal. i only hit two stores, Walmart and Target, neither of which were as bad as other places.

i started out at Walmart, getting there 15 minutes before the madness was due to start. At our store, they decided to open the doors ahead of time and let everyone camp out around whatever item they wanted to snag first. Since i was so late getting to the store, i had to look on someone else's map to find out where things were located at. Unfortunately, it took a bit of circling in stop-and-go shopping cart traffic to finally get all the things i was looking for. Once i made it to the checkout line, there were almost 2 major problems: 1) the cashier that was working my line tried to close it to go on break (haha, not with a long line that had been waiting at least 30 minutes), and 2) there were 2 ladies in front of me in line, one of whose credit card wouldn't work. She had paid cash for most of her purchases but she had forgotten about tax so she owed $5.27. When she tried using her card, it wasn't working for some reason. i happened to have some cash on me so i handed her $6 so she could pay for it. Ok ok, before you start thinking i'm some saint (which, uhm, yeah, i sure am one *cheesy grin*), one of my motivators to pay it for her was because i really wanted to get the hell out of there and move on to my next stop. it turned out that i was parked on the same side of the parking lot as they were so i followed them out. When we made it to their car, she thanked me and paid me the $6 back.

So, next was Target. There was really only one thing i wanted to pick up there for the kids but it turned out that they were already out by the time i got there. But, the trip wasn't a total loss because i was able to pick up a DVD i had missed at Walmart as well as another DVD we had been wanting. Since Target doesn't have as many registers as Walmart, i pretty much just picked a checkout line and stuck with it. i was too afraid that, as soon i would try to line jump, the old line would start moving. The ladies behind me, however, took a chance. And, actually, their line did start moving quicker than mine. So, after about 15 minutes, i happened to notice them wave me over to their line. i thought they were waving to a friend at first but they pointed at me so i scooted over. there were 3 of them, who had already hit 4 other stores before coming to Target, and they told me that they felt bad that i had been waiting for so long and patiently with only 2 things. i guess my good shopper karma at Walmart came back to me there. after they let me line jump, i was out of Target 15 minutes later - yay!

So, overall, it was a pretty good Black Friday experience. As the kids get older, i'm sure i'll be grabbing more things but, as long as i plan ahead, it shouldn't be so bad.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-29T14:29:00.001-06:00

Overall, our Thanksgiving went well. We decided to stay home and save ourselves the grief of traveling with 3 little ones for such a short weekend. So, it was a nice quiet day of watching too much TV, eating too much yummy food, and plotting out our attack for Black Friday (really mine since i was going alone). i really felt ok with our decision to spend Thanksgiving away from our families until today, as i read all the Thanksgiving posts in my Google reader. i started to feel some guilt about feeling so relaxed by not spending the holiday with either of our families. but, i also felt sad that we weren't with family because Thanksgiving's emphasis seems to really be on spending time with family as much as the food. it wasn't so hard being away from Daddy's family since they are out in Florida (and traveling that far with the kids was definitely out of the picture). i have family 1 1/2 hrs. north of us and 3 hrs. south of us, which could've meant an overnight trip to spend time with them, but it felt like too much of a hassle to do it this year. part of that was just the logistics of holiday travel but there was also stress from finishing up things at work for the end of the month. i actually "worked" a few free hours on wednesday just to make sure things were squared away before i left. but, besides all that, the posts i read were a reminder of how tense my relationship is emotionally with my family. i didn't talk to either of my parents on Thanksgiving (which is as much my fault as theirs). since having kids, i've been making more of an effort to be more involved with both sides of my family but it's still awkward for me. whenever we all get together, i still feel like the teenager stuck between the grownups and the little kids. when we were at my grandma's funeral, i felt a little jealous that all of my younger cousins seem to be so close and talk to each other a lot but then i don't really fit in with them because i've been out of college for almost 8 years and i have a family of my own. but, of course, i don't fit in with the older adults either because they all see me as my father's little girl, not as a grown woman. it also doesn't help that they all seem confused by the fact that Daddy's the stay-at-home parent.

But, to end this post on an up note, the obligatory list of things i'm thankful for

my Daddy for loving me everyday, even when i'm being a huge brat or am an emotional wreck (and, of course, for all the fun naughty times too *weg*)

my no-longer-baby Godzilla for reminding daily of the fun of playing

my little Princess for her stubborn independent streak, which had her walking and talking soon than her brother (wonder where she gets that from?)

my baby Diva for her big sunny smiles and giggles that melt all the bad stuff in a day away

my very very patient kitty Charlie for putting up with me bringing all of these new people into his life (especially the little ones who try to "play" with him)

my family for supporting me no matter how many times i screw up or how little we keep in touch

my co-workers (3 in particular) for letting me vent, bitch, moan, and complain while keeping me laughing at the idiocy we face on a daily basis

my trusty car Sparky (yes, i name my cars) for keeping it together after 3 trips from Texas to Canada and back and 3 trips from Texas to Florida and back

the clothes on my back and in my closet, the roof over my head, and the food in my stomach because there have been times in my life where any 3 of those were close to being gone

and, last but not least, the people who actually come to read my random babblings - i know i don't have a lot of readers and i don't write on a regular basis (i'm working on it, i promise!), but i really do appreciate you guys for taking a couple minutes out of your day to visit my blog. a lot of my posts are mostly cathartic rantings for me but, in the end, i hope that someone can connect with what i have to say (other than the little men in my head).

Gobble gobble

2008-11-28T20:22:00.002-06:00

i have way too many thoughts about the past two days so, for now, all i'm going to say is that i hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving and a good start to the holiday season.

No words

2008-11-05T20:28:00.008-06:00

I haven't been able to really come up with the words to describe yesterday's events (ok, other than what I said last night).

I had the day off from work yesterday because my office was a voting site. So, we got to sleep in a little before heading out to vote. We headed out with all three kids in tow and, luckily, there were machines open when we arrived. We had decided to vote one at a time so the other could keep the kids in line while the other was voting. After we signed in, one of the election officials asked if she could hold The Diva - yeah, take the easy kid....but we weren't being picky so we let her. The Diva happily smiled and cooed at her so they both enjoyed it. We still took turns voting to make sure that Godzilla and The Princess didn't try to vote for us. Once we were done, everyone got "I Voted" stickers and we headed out to run errands. But, not before a quick set of pictures....

He didn't get to push any buttons but he got to play with the dials on an amp
Amazingly, she stayed quiet while we were there (no, we didn't bribe her)

"What? We voted?"

Like most of America, we sat up, keeping an eye on the results as they came in. Having lived in a state where the last election results got screwed up (coughFloridacough), I held my breath for a bit, not wanting to get too excited lest these results turn south too. But, then it became obvious that there wasn't going to be a change...this was really happening. The enormity of it really sunk in as I looked down at The Diva while listening to Obama's speech (the other 2 were already asleep). Parents always tell their children that they can be anything when they grow up. But, when I was growing up, there were few people of color in any powerful position. I remember how excited we got in San Antonio, my hometown, when our former mayor Henry Cisneros was appointed as Secretary of HUD. But, after last night, who knows...our children honestly have a chance at being President one day. And, that is progress...that is a new start....that is truly change.

A New Day

2008-11-04T23:59:00.002-06:00

I'll do a longer post tomorrow (or, I guess I should say later today since it's already so late) but I wanted to take a minute to say that today is the start of a new era in American history and in American politics. Most people are only going to talk about one speech that was made tonight but there were two important speeches - both graceful and well-spoken. We took the kids with us to vote today and I'm really glad that I did due to the importance of this election, regardless of who would win. I will admit that I will have a hard time getting to sleep tonight, thinking about the changes to come in the next few months.

Fifty-one...

2008-10-29T20:19:00.004-05:00

Kinda fitting that my birthday post was my 50th post. i can't believe it's been that many already. Meanwhile, my head is being attacked by the evil cedar trees so i'm a big stuffed-up, snotty mess. So, if anyone's still looking for a present for me, i'll take some tissues

(image courtesy of Adclassix.com)

...or perhaps a nice cup of tea

(cat not needed, of course)

...or maybe even a big ol' bottle of the evil green stuff

(image from Vicks.com)

Insert Happy Dance Here

2008-10-26T16:57:00.008-05:00

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy Birthday Dear Meeeeee

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yep, it's my birthday. In fact, it's the Big 3-0. I could turn this into some deep, introspective post but nahhhh, let's have some fun. So, in honor of my 30 years on earth, let's go with 30 (interesting and not) facts about me.

1. I lived most of my life as an only child. My mom had my little sister about 4 weeks after I graduated from high school and my stepmom had my little brother 7 months after that. So, I get to be the cool older sister that will go to Hot Topic and play video games with them.

2. I have always lived south of the Mason-Dixon line and refuse to live anywhere north of there. Don't get me wrong, I like snow but not for months on end.

3. I am an Army brat but I've only lived in the States. My dad had all of his overseas assignments (Germany and Korea) before I was born *pout*

4. I have never had the chicken pox. Actually, I got a part in my 2nd grade school play because the girl I was understudy for got it.

5. Even though I was one of the youngest out of my friends, I was one of the tallest and I developed earlier (which was a blessing and a curse).

6. I have worn glasses since I was in the 3rd grade. Yes, I know that contacts are very comfortable and easy to wear but I have this thing about sticking something into my eye - seriously, I suck at using eye drops. For the longest time, I wore red plastic Sally Jessy Raphael glasses but I finally changed over to a metal frame in middle school.

7. I've never broken a bone in my body *majorly knocking on wood* The closest I've gotten is a really bad sprain to one of my ankles.

8. I started out as a BS chemistry major in college. I actually liked taking calculus and physics (yes, I'm a closet nerd).

9. I ended up with a BA in psychology. I should've taken my mom's advice and gone back to grad school as soon as I could, but I was too burnt out on school after getting my bachelor's and I figured I had plenty of time to get it (ha! says the older me with 3 kids under 3)

10. My absolute favorite candy are Sour Patch Kids (i heart me some gummies, especially sour gummies).

11. I moved out of an apartment once because of my cat, Charlie. I wasn't allowed to have pets but he was just so darn adorable. They told me I had to get rid of him or move so there you have it.

12. I used to be a groupie. I once drove with a friend from Texas up to Chicago and then to Tulsa the next night to follow a band we liked. The first time I heard them, I rode with them from here up to Dallas, leaving my car at the bar. I spent the night with the lead singer/guitarist (yum) and went to their gig opening for Bowling for Soup the next night. Since I didn't have my car there, I had to call one of my ex's parents to drive me to meet my best friend halfway back home. And then, there was the other band, whose bassist I slept with on the floor of their hotel room while everyone else was sleeping...yeah, I was that groupie.

13. I have 3 tattoos and plan on eventually having a full back piece (it's just a matter of having the money to do it). Godzilla and the Princess recently discovered my tatts and will pull up the back of my shirt occasionally to run their fingers over them. Daddy has 4 Himself so tatts won't be anything strange for our kids.

14. I have a set of Nancy Drew books from the 1940s and 50s. I devoured Nancy Drew books as a kid. I'm not too keen on the more recent interpretation of Nancy Drew but they are still keeping her as a positive role model for young girls.

15. The first concert I ever went to was Sade. My dad is a huge fan of hers so he got tickets for just me and him to go. I was probably the youngest person there but I found her to be so fascinating, especially since she performed the concert barefoot.

16. My fluency in the Spanish language vastly improves when I'm drunk :) I'm also a better pool player when I've been drinking but not when I've gotten to the point of drunkenness.

17. My favorite halloween costume was dressing up with a group of friends as Christmas carolers ala tacky Christmas sweaters. Some houses actually wanted to refuse to give us candy - unspirited bastards!

18. I got called to the assistant principal's office once in 8th grade because of an essay I wrote for our US History class. We were studying the Constitution and had to write an essay about our favorite amendment out of the Bill of Rights. I, of course, picked the 1st Amendment and used a few choice words (censored, of course, because I wasn't that stupid) in the essay. I also mentioned starting a revolution in the cafeteria during lunch time. I guess the school administration was a little concerned about my mental well-being.

19. I used to date a Canuck. He lived in southern Ontario and I would only visit him up there from March til October. His mother and I almost came to blows when she told me that she didn't think I cared about her son because I didn't wait on him hand and foot.

20. I got tired of having pet goldfish as a kid so I started intentionally starving them to kill them off so I could get a dog or a cat. I'm not a psychopath, I swear - I was just tired of fish.

21. I was so chunky as a kid that I had to wear orthopedic shoes to support my ankles. Luckily, I grew out of that phase.

22. I once had a panic attack while walking back to my dorm during a rain storm. To this day, I couldn't tell you what in particular triggered it but I remember feeling like I was going to drown.

23. When I was a kid, I used to arrange my Papa's refrigerator magnets in a particular order and he kept it in that same order until he had to move out of his house due to Alzheimer's.

24. I hated little kids when I was younger and swore I would never had kids (ha again! says the older me with 3! kiddos)

25. In 3rd grade, I wanted to be a Republican because I had a crush on a boy in my class who was a little Alex P. Keaton. We even formed a Young Republican club in our grade.

26. I was nicknamed the "Queen of the Fairies" during my freshman year of college because I had 3 close friends who came out of the closet to me before anyone else.

27. I love me some Girl Scout cookies, especially Thin Mints and Samoas (that's right, not Caramel Delites, Samoas damnit). I put in my time selling those things as a kid, earned quite a few cookie patches too. Now, I gobble them up any chance I get.

28. If we could afford it, I really wouldn't mind having another kid. We would have to get at least ONE of these kids out of diapers first.

29. My mom and I collect Holiday Barbies. We have every one except the very first one, which goes for hundreds of dollars on eBay. It will be mine one day.

And, last but not least....(drumroll please)

30. In my 30 years on this earth, while I may not have always been pleased with the course it has taken, I do not regret one thing I've done because it has shaped me into the person I am today (ok, so I got a little introspective at the end, it's my birthday and my list so ha! :P)

the best of intentions

2008-10-04T14:49:00.002-05:00

i can't imagine what i was thinking that i would find more time for blogging as the end of the month was approaching. i barely had time to think, let alone blog. but, i'm back now and it's a new month so here's to a new start.

all 3 of the kids have been down napping for almost 3 hours (snoopy dance of happiness) so, of course, now i have a headache starting up. but, it did give us the opportunity to vacuum the living room and i've been whittling through the piles of stuff that managed to accumulate on our kitchen bar (i really think it's been reproducing like amoebas while we sleep). i'm seriously considering just tossing everything except the most recent bills into our box of papers to be shredded. [omg, can i just take a minute to say thank god for aleve..ok, back to the entry] while i am somewhat saddened that we have had our last child, i am glad to finally get some of their excess clothes out of the house. we were lucky enough to get enough clothes from family and friends that we have barely had to buy any clothes ourselves for the kids. however, some clothes that we've gotten have never even been worn. that's mostly poor organizational skills on our part (that and the kids growing like weeds, the Princess is only 19 months old and she's wearing 24 mo. clothes, which some of them are getting tight!). the diva is finally starting to take longer naps so we're able to get things done around the house without having her clinging to us.

i do have some actual topics floating around in my head - i've even written some of those ideas down so i don't forget to write about them. hopefully i will have actual time soon to get them out of my head (the little men are starting to complain about the clutter in there). so, until later....me

blogging, blogging, blogging

2008-09-15T20:53:00.003-05:00

there's been quite a lot going on in my little noggin so expect a lot of new posts to come...

who knows i might even say something profound... maybe

i've been a bad, bad girl

2008-09-09T21:29:00.002-05:00

now now, before you get excited, it's not the fun naughty kind of "bad". i don't even know where to start but, to sum it all up, i feel like i've been a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad worker, a bad sister...sensing a trend here??

i just read over some of my past entries and, while i could go into the cave i've dug myself into, it would be like beating a dead horse at this point. at the end of the day, i'm tired - physically, mentally, emotionally. i don't know if this is depression or just from the sleep deprivation but it sucks and i want it to go away. i'm so tired that i'm starting to get rather apathetic about everything. i almost started to go into details but i realize that the details are not the point - the point is that i'm heading to a very dark place and i'm not sure what the fallout of that is going to be. i'm tired enough that i'm not fighting it like i normally would, and in some respects, it's scary yet almost comforting to sink into that darkness. i'm tired of fighting, i'm tired of the constant headaches...i'm finally ready to take a step back and say "ok, i'm done". but, i can't do that - i have too many people depending on me, 3 little people in particular who i don't want to let down. right now, they're the only things that keep me going - but i don't know how good of a job i'm doing of that. i don't want my kids to write me some whiny letter one day about how they felt i wasn't available to them (i'm sooo sorry, Mom; i had no idea how hard being a mom was) and every time i think that i've cried myself to the point of numbness, the tears still manage to sneak out anyway. there's a lot more on my mind but i'm not ready yet to let it all out...not tonight anyways. Daddy wants to talk to me, the diva needs to be put to sleep,...and i'm tired.

She's here!

2008-08-23T11:43:00.007-05:00

Before i get to the story, here's the stats...

Date of Birth: 8-12-08

Original Due Date: 8-17-08

Height / Weight: 20.5 in. / 9 lbs. 8 oz.

And now, the birth story (which is a little long but i wanted to be sure to get it all out): At my last appointment with the midwife on the 8th, she had told us that i was a loose 3 cm and 75% effaced. So, pretty much, we were playing the waiting game at that point. That weekend, we made a point of trying to make sure we were prepared for the little one so we made trips to the grocery store and Wal-Mart and did some much needed cleaning around the house. Monday the 11th was just another preggo day as far as I was concerned - no unusual aches or pains. Well, i was woken up at 4 AM on Tuesday the 12th by my water breaking - which was an interesting experience since my water had been broken at the hospital for my 2 previous L&D's. Needless to say, i was very thankful that we have a waterproof mattress pad. To those who are curious, i felt a little pop and then my water came gushing out as i sat up in bed. i carefully made my way into the bathroom (luckily, I sleep on the side of the bed closest to the bathroom) and tucked a towel between my legs. i think i was in a bit of shock because i was shaking and my teeth were chattering while i leaned up against one of the walls and took in what was happening. being as tied in as i am, i sent out text messages announcing this turn of events not only to Twitter but to 2 of my co-workers. By some stroke of luck, one of said co-workers was actually awake when i sent out the text message and replied back, asking if we needed anyone to watch the kids for us while we're at the hospital. i replied back to her that we were getting ready to leave but we would be in her eternal debts if she could watch them. The original plan was to have one of my former co-workers watch the kids when i went into labor but she didn't answer her phone when i called so we were lucky that Plan B fell into our laps. Let me just say that you know you're the mother of multiple children when you can very calmly get your 2 small children dressed and pick out toys for them to play with in the waiting room while you're in labor. So, anywho, we make our way over to the hospital and my co-worker was already waiting for us at the ER entrance. She wheeled me upstairs while Daddy parked the car and brought the kids and our bags up. When we made it upstairs to L&D, they asked me how much fluid i thought i had leaked out already and, at first, they were asking how many cups. i guess i looked confused and pissed off enough by this question that they rephrased the question to "a trickle, a cup, or a bucket?" after i answered with bucket, they decided to go ahead and admit me into one of the L&D rooms. my midwife tested me to make sure my water had broken but the test strips were coming up negative. after the strips came up negative, both her and one of the assisting nurses commented on the fact that the strips they were using weren't even the right kind of strips to use and that they had had false readings off of them before. they then proceeded to ask me if i had just peed myself - if i would've known that this would be an issue, i would've brought our bedsheets from home. i assured them that i hadn't peed myself so my midwife did a fern test, which required the use of a speculum to swab me - so lovely when you're in labor - and it also came up negative. once again, i insisted that my water had indeed broken and i think my midwife was trusting my instincts because she did an ultrasound and, sure enough, it showed that there was little amniotic fluid left - surprise, surprise. my midwife expressed concerns that i wasn't having any majorly strong contractions but then, my body, being a defiant teenager, decided to start contracting 2 minutes after she mentioned it. Things progressed very quickly from there. At 5 AM, i was 5 cm and 90% effaced. i knew i was headed into the transition phase of active labor when I started getting the chills and waves of nausea and i started begging for an epidural. my intent was to try to do a natural childbirth as long as possible and, once transition started, i wasn't sure i could make it all the way without drugs. They called the on-call anesthesiologist (who was not at the hospital) and went ahead and hooked up an IV bag while we were waiting. However, by 6:45, no doc had appeared yet and i had made it to 8 cm and was starting to feel pressure - translation: too late for an epi. i have to say, at this point, i pretty much was just using Daddy to squeeze His hand during contractions and i was more focused on the midwife, who helped me through the breathing. Yes, we had taken a Lamaze class when i was pregnant with godzilla but i didn't remember those breathing patterns - hell, i had never used them with either of my other 2 pregnancies, thanks to the epidurals. the midwife told me that i could start pushing through the pressure to help dilate me further and i was more than happy to do so. Strangely enough, after a few practice pushes, i suddenly felt less uncomfortable and the contractions were much more tolerable. Next thing i know, i could feel her moving down and it was time! According to Daddy, i dropped 4 F-bombs during the actual delivery very loudly and probably scared any first-time moms on the wing. But, i managed to deliver a 9 1/2 lb. baby with no drugs at all and only a 1st degree tear that my midwife decided was ok enough to let heal on its own. it was so surreal holding her right after because it had happened so fast but she was a cutie, even still covered in yuckiness. i had a feeling that she was going to be larger than her brother and sister but i had no clue that she was going to be so big! Once they got both me and her cleaned up, we had my co-worker bring the kids in to meet their new sister. Godzilla took to her right away but the princess didn't seem too sure about what was going on. Oh, and i should mention at this point, that the 12th was the princess's 1st birthday so she got a sister as a birthday present. It turned out that her blood sugar was low after birth because of her size so it had to be checked before every feeding for 12 hours but it eventually came back up to normal levels. Luckily, we didn't have any issues with jaundice like with my other 2. We let my co-worker get to work so she could deliver the news to the office and we were transferred over to a postpartum recovery room, which was unfortunately much smaller than the L&D room. i actually think it was smaller than the recovery rooms at the other hospital in town, where i had the princess, but the food was better at this hospital.

we were all so exhausted from being cramped in the hospital room that we all slept pretty well that night. The next day, His mother flew in from Florida to visit us and the kids. She was a huge help with taking care of the kids and around the house. Wwe even managed to get out a couple of times to go shopping without the kids. Actually, her flight back ended up getting cancelled due to Tropical Storm Fay so we got an extra day of having "Grammy" around. i've always gotten along with my MIL so it was nice having her around and i know she enjoyed spending time with the kids. Wwe talked with her about the possibility of moving out to Texas but i don't think she would want to. As she put it, no matter where she moved, she would be a good distance away from someone she cares about plus there are many things she wants to do now that she is single again.

In the end, i am grateful i didn't have an epi because recovery has gone much quicker this time around - we were discharged from the hospital after 24 hours - and i much preferred doing it at home than in the hospital. For now, Wwe've nicknamed our newest little one "the diva" because, if things are not just right, she won't fall asleep. she has been eating like a horse and sleeping well for the most part like her brother and sister did. Her big brother has taken to giving her kisses on her arms and playing with her toes. Her big sis has been adjusting to no longer being the baby of the house but loves to give her "love pats" on her head and squeeze her toes. Good thing she's somewhat ok with her for now since they'll be birthday buddies. And, how can you not love a cute little face like this....

ok, time to get some sleep before the diva awakens for her wee-morning feeding.....lady a

Baby Update - Week 38

2008-08-09T21:57:00.002-05:00

Dear God, can we please be done with this pregnancy already?? With much respect, me...

well, Wwe had our weekly appointment with the midwife yesterday after a false alarm Monday. i had had some good strong contractions the night before but they stopped after an hour or so. when the midwife checked me, she told us that i had dilated to a "loose" 3 cm and was 75% effaced but she hasn't dropped any (part of me wonders if this is because i'm laying on my slightly arched back when she checks me) so pretty much we're just playing the waiting game at this point. she was secretly hoping i would've delivered yesterday so she could deliver a 8-8-08 baby but no such luck. it seems i'm the next patient of hers due to deliver so we're both anxiously waiting. i have been cleaning like crazy to try and move things along because i'm too chicken to try out things like Castor oil, evening primrose oil, or..."other" things. but, i am sooooooooooo tired of being pregnant and i am so ready to have her out. so far, 7 moms on my due date thread on Babycenter.com have given birth to their babies and i can't wait til it's my turn to write up my baby announcement post. my MIL is due to visit us next week but she hasn't emailed Daddy her itinerary yet, which has me a little worried. she's had a rough year and i hope she is still planning on visiting because i think it would be good for her.

ok, that's all i've got for now...hopefully Wwe'll have another update soon if we're lucky...

Baby Update - 37.5 Weeks

2008-08-01T20:03:00.002-05:00

Is it time yet? Is it? Is it?? Wwe had a false alarm early Monday morning. the contractions kept starting and stopping and finally just stopped altogether. after that episode, my supervisor put me on desk duty and made me hand over all of my out-of-office visits to the other case workers. i felt pretty useless at first but it did give me an opportunity to get caught up on some paperwork that desperately needed to get done. i've had some contractions off and on since then but nothing regular or constant.

well, today, Wwe had our weekly appointment with the midwife. i'm still measuring at 39 inches, which means this kiddo is as big as she's going to get (or at least, i hope and pray she doesn't get any bigger). she did an internal exam on me and found that i'm a "loose" 2 cm dilated (so basically almost 3 cm) and 50% effaced - so the fairy-to-be is working her way down and out. and i have to say that i love having a midwife this go-round, she told us that she would come do a home visit to check me if we weren't totally sure if it was time to head to the hospital yet. she is sooo getting a nice present when this is all over. ever since that internal exam though, i've been feeling crampy and, if i saw what i think i saw, i think i might have lost my plug a little bit ago.

i have been obsessing over Babycenter.com's message boards lately, especially as more and more mommies who are due in August like me are starting to have their little ones. actually, 3 of the moms from my due date week thread have already had their babies. even though this is my last pregnancy and all of my pregnancies have gone pretty smoothly, i am definitely ready for this to be done. 3 pregnancies in 3 years have definitely taken their toll on my body and, for once in my life, i am ready to get myself back into shape. after all, when this last little one is 18, i'll be heading towards 48 so i'll still have plenty of time ahead of me to enjoy. plus, as baby godzilla's vocabulary is growing and the princess is starting to walk, it's exciting to watch them grow and explore the world around them so i can't wait for this little girl to get to that same point. at any rate, wish Uus luck because things are about to get super-hectic around here *hiding under the covers*

Baby Update - 36.6 Weeks

2008-07-26T13:59:00.002-05:00

Wwe're heading into the final countdown! i can't believe there are almost 3 weeks left before the fairy-to-be arrives. We had our weekly visit to the midwife yesterday afternoon and the little one has dropped. actually, she's dropped enough to where the midwife couldn't get completely accurate measurements of my uterus size. luckily though, it hasn't grown so that's a good sign because we may have been looking at a possible induction if she had grown any more. my blood pressure is still doing well and my feet only swell up in the evenings after i've been up and about a lot. my Group B Strep test came back negative - yay! so, that means i'll be free to move about during active labor like i was hoping for. Daddy had forgotten that i was shooting for a natural delivery this time until i reminded Him last night. don't get me wrong - i'm not ruling out the possibility of using painkillers during labor but i would like to see how long i can go without them and i want to use as little of a dosage as i really need. i think i was able to recover quicker from the princess's L&D because i didn't have quite as much medication in my system afterwards. i was a little bummed that she didn't do an internal exam to see how dilated i was. but, Daddy pointed out that she may be waiting until i'm a full 37 weeks (which is full-term) or she may have decided not to do it because i am already so close to delivering. before we left the midwife yesterday, she told us that she'd see us next week if not sooner. that statement didn't really click with me until after we had gotten home later that night. sure enough, late last night and this morning, my lower back has been bothering me off and on and i can definitely feel her getting lower into position. i guess i really need to get on the ball with getting things taken care of around the house and at work - at least we're starting to narrow down our list of names :)

Baby update - 35.5 weeks

2008-07-18T22:16:00.002-05:00

i must admit that i'm getting a little nervous about our impending arrival. not only do Wwe not have a name for this little one yet (yeah, yeah, i know, my coworkers give me crap about it everyday) but Wwe also don't have a car seat for her that will fit alongside the other 2. oh yeah, and we don't have a crib to move the princess into so we'll have a space for princess #2. it's not helping that we're heading into the final countdown towards the due date and i'm watching more and more mommies on the August '08 Babycenter.com bulletin boards giving birth to their LOs. there is just so much that still needs to be done and i'm just hoping that she stays put until all the loose ends are tied up.

that being said, Wwe had our weekly appointment with the midwife today. besides the normal routine, she did my Group B strep test today and we should have the results back when we come back next week. i tested negative with the other kids so i'm keeping my fingers crossed for this one. meanwhile, in one week, my uterus has managed to grow 3 inches!!!! AND, the midwife told me not to worry about it because that could've just been due to the baby's positioning when she measured me. hmm, don't worry about the fact that i'm not 36 weeks yet but i'm measuring at around 39 weeks - yes, 39, as in 1 week away from full gestation....but i'm not worried...i think.

oh, did i forget to mention that we haven't preregistered with the hospital yet, that i have a stack of paperwork that needs to be attended to, that i have a stack of paperwork that hasn't even been created yet to be attended to, that i still have clients to see this month, that i still need to divide up my caseload for when i'm out on leave....and that Oour little princess is doing the wave across my belly. gah, these pregnancy hormones...ice cream bars, here i come.

Baby Update - 34.5 weeks

2008-07-13T19:08:00.002-05:00

Wwe had another visit with the midwife this week. the fairy-to-be is steadily growing along and actually is measuring at 36 so she may come a little early. and, she did flip back into a head-down position so no need for a version, thank goodness. in TMI news, i had a lovely episode with my hemorrhoids this weekend, which thankfully seems to be improving. now the visits to the midwife are going to be weekly visits so we'll see how close we get to the due date or if i go over like the last 2. next week, she'll be doing the Group B Strep test, which will hopefully be negative like i've been in the past. if it's not, then that means antibiotics once i go into labor, which could interfere some with any natural childbirth methods. luckily, my employer is keeping the same health insurance plans for the next fiscal year, which means i can stay with the midwife after all is said and done.

little me

2008-07-13T18:03:00.006-05:00

one thing i haven't gone into much detail about here is my submissive side. i guess one reason for this is that Oour relationship is in a position where i am confident about my place within Oour home. [i should pause for a moment and explain my use of capitalization: i entered into BDSM through the online realm, where conventional practice is to capitalize the Dominant and lower-cap the submissive. so, this has become second nature to me, hence me never capitalizing my "i"'s in this blog or in my tweets.]

Daddy and i have never had a "normal" D/s relationship - not that i think those even exist since each relationship has to be tweaked to the individual needs and wants of each involved. after all, not many Dominants are stay-at-home parents while the submissive works full-time. some would argue that it is the Dominant's role to take care of the family. however, in Oour case, that would require Him spending more time working than with the family, which neither of Uus wanted. both of Uus came from turbulent families and feel it is of utmost importance for the kids to have quality time with Uus. also, i'm more of a people person than He is, so getting to work outside of the home allows me the chance to remain somewhat social (Wwe're still mostly homebodies).

but, back to my submissive side...on some level, i think i've always been submissive not just in romantic relationships but in my everyday life growing up. i'm sure part of that came from growing up the daughter of a military man who wanted everything just so. my mother even gave up on ironing his clothes and making their bed because he was so particular. by the time i met Daddy online, i had been involved in BDSM long enough that i knew what i was looking for and didn't like wasting my time just to play. Wwe spent many hours on the phone and online before Wwe met in R/L, going over every and any topic (yes, i was one of those girls who got a book full of questions to ask before getting married). Daddy is such a natural Dominant that submitting to Him came easy, as if Wwe had known each other for years. both of Uus were very upfront with each other from the start and found a lot of compatible matches between Uus. the more Wwe were together both online and finally in R/L, the more "darker desires" Wwe found to have in common (and no, i'm not telling those...at least not today).

with Daddy, i feel His steady presence no matter where i am or what i'm doing. and, at times, i definitely need that stern Hand as i can get bratty, going overboard with it and thinking i'm being "cute". but, that's not to say that Daddy can't be gentle and patient with me either - trust me, 3 pregnancies in a row - He is EXTREMELY patient. Oour relationship has progressed to a place where i don't require constant guidance though. i have learned what pleases Him and what doesn't. there are still times when i need and want His input into what exactly He would like at that given moment. but, most of the time, i have a good idea to start with; i either just need particulars or i am craving that Hand to lead me down the rabbit's hole.

to me, being able to serve Him is an honor i take very seriously (especially considering i have come very close to lose that privilege on more than one occasion) and it is one of my greatest joys outside of being a mother. the day He allowed me to have His collar and later His mark were my proudest, even greater than the day that He took me on as His wife. i will admit that i no longer wear the collar on a daily basis any longer but i don't feel the need to wear it daily anymore either. the collar, while a physical symbol of my commitment to Him, is just that - a symbol. my true submission is wrapped around my heart (and His finger) and is really seen through my words and actions. hearing Him say "good girl" makes me glow and get all warm and tingly. seeing that special glint in His eyes when i've done something pleasing spurs me on to doing more, doing even better and going further. and i know that He is there to protect me, guide me to the best babygirl, push me to new levels and places i couldn't have imagined going on my own.

thank You Daddy for all of the good, the bad, and the times to come

love, Your babygirl

Ashes to ashes...

2008-07-05T21:21:00.003-05:00

this was a rough week for me as my paternal grandmother passed away on June 27th. Daddy gave me credit for taking it better than the rest of my family, but she had been sick off and on for a while so it wasn't a huge shock for me. the last time we got to see her was Christmastime when she got to meet Godzilla and the Princess for the first time. She had lost a lot of weight and had some difficulty holding the Princess but you could see her face light up around the kids. i realized a couple days after Grandma's passing that i am going to end up with a boy and 2 girls, just like she had and Godzilla's going to be the oldest just like my dad is. speaking of my dad, he didn't call us until after Grandma had already passed. apparently, she had started to get sick earlier that week, requiring oxygen at one point. but, rather than call us so we could drive the 1 1/2 hrs. to see her before she passed, he waited until it was too late. i do hold quite a bit of hostility about this, but i'm trying not to let it eat at me out of respect to my Grandma. at any rate, i only ended up going into work 1 day this past week, just to make sure my paperwork was updated before i left and to contact my problem children to let them know i'd be out of town. i left a few assignments for my supervisor but we'll see if they actually got done while i was gone. our trip up to Arkansas was pretty uneventful...we only had to stop 3 times for gas, food, and to give the kids breaks from their car seats. Godzilla had such a ball playing in a Chick-Fil-A playground that he barely ate his lunch. they were doing a viewing of my Grandma the evening we arrived and we made a quick appearance to let everyone know we had made it safely. prior to the trip, Daddy and i had been discussing the possibility of trying to inherit my Grandma's house for us to live in. However, after touring a bit of the thriving metropolis that is my parents' hometown *cough* and getting overwhelmed by the humidity and mosquitoes, we quickly decided that this would probably not be a good idea for us, especially after looking at grocery prices as well. luckily, we found a decent hotel room for a decent price, considering it was so close to the weekend of the 4th. the only problem with the room was that the beds were hard and flat as rocks. we both woke up the next day, tired from lack of sleep and sore as hell. our hotel had a nice complementary breakfast that we fully took advantage of both days we were there - we may be getting a waffle iron after this trip. my Grandma's services were that afternoon so we went to visit my maternal grandmother that morning so she could meet the Princess in person. the Princess wasn't too sure about her great-grandma but she was ok as long as me or Daddy were holding her. Godzilla was too distracted playing with my Grandma's new dog to pay any attention to her (we so need to get a dog whenever we move into a bigger place). after spending some time there, we headed back to the room so we could grab a quick lunch before the funeral services started. we had initially planned on taking our own car to the services in case one of the kids started to get super-fussy. but, no such luck...we were told that it would be best if we rode in one of the family cars from the funeral home. sadly, this was my first time riding in a limo...i wish it could have been for something happier. Godzilla had a ball around my female cousins, they all ooh'ed and aah'ed over him so my brother took a backseat very quickly. the services were very nice, my Grandma had been a member of her church for 50 years so they made sure to do a nice job in appreciation. Godzilla got fussy about halfway through so Daddy had to take him off to the church nursery to play until the services were over. the funeral home attendants offered us the opportunity to view her body again at the end of the services but i didn't need to look at her. for me, that was just her body, my actual Grandma wasn't there in that casket. we headed to the cemetary after that and both of the kids fell asleep on the way as it was past their nap times by then. i left them in the limo with Daddy while i went to the gravesite. everyone insisted that i take one of the chairs since i'm preggo, even though i really didn't want to sit...i was just ready for it to be over by then. most of the family held up well until they started to lower the casket. my favorite aunt began to wail at that point, which made everyone tear up. all of the female relatives got a red rose from the arrangement on top of her casket. once we were done at the cemetary, we had them take us back to my Grandma's house so we could take the kids back to the hotel. while we were at the hotel, the rest of the family returned to the church to eat unbeknownest to us. so, when we met back up with them over at my Grandma's house, there was no food for us and some of the family was leaving to head back to their respective homes. before they left though, i caught 2 of my cousins curled up in a recliner together, discussing their plans for the future. if you hadn't known they were related, you would've thought that they were dating as cozy as they were. as family began leaving, we made our way back to the hotel to try and wind down from the day so we could prepare for the trip home. the trip back home didn't go quite as well as the trip up due to 3 poopy diapers, getting a semi truck's wheel hub cover caught between a front tire and the fender, and getting snagged in traffic in downtown Dallas. oh yeah, i should mention that the Princess had a poopy diaper while we were stuck in traffic and screamed her head off for about 20 minutes straight. if we had had that kind of luck on the way up, we would've just turned around and gone home. luckily, we were only 2 hours away from home so all we could do was just grin and bear it.
now that we're back home, i must say that i have a deeper appreciation for my little clan. i had been thinking about going into work today before we left for the trip but i quickly changed my mind once we got back. i wanted to be able to enjoy my time off from work before having to go back on monday and get my bearings back on track. there, of course, is some lingering family drama from my Grandma's passing but that's neither here nor there at this point to me. right now, my focus is on remembering the woman who always made a point of telling me how much she loved me and how proud she was of me, no matter what direction i took in my life. while i may have felt out of place among my own family, she always made me feel welcomed. she will definitely be missed by all of us and, even though she won't be around for the fairy's birth, i know she'll be watching and smiling.

Love you so much, Grandma Cooper
Rest in Peace and within His heavenly love

my aunt and Grandma - the two B's

AAAARRRRGGGHH

2008-06-24T23:00:00.002-05:00

ok, now that that is out of the way....i am seriously getting tired of these pregnancy hormones. most of the day, i've been in a pretty decent mood, even after having to drag myself out of bed this morning. however, it's like my body was ready to call it quits for the day a few hours after i got home from work...suddenly i'm getting irritated by every little thing (and person) and i'm ready to just start bashing my head and/or fists into the walls. meanwhile, the little alien baby inhabiting my innards keeps kicking and pushing against me, which is not improving my mood any. and, bless His heart, Daddy keeps trying to be sweet and loving the whole night but it keeps grating on my nerves as the night progresses. i don't know if i can do 2 more months of this but i don't really have a choice in the matter either, as our children tend to be stubborn little creatures who like to take their sweet time coming out until they're ready to come out and then they're ready to go and NOW. bah, i'm rambling and grumpy again and i really was going to try to be happier when i posted again. oh well, que sera, sera....after all, there's only a small handful of people who actually read this on a regular basis anyways and i haven't scared them off yet *huzzah!* alrighty, princess preggo grumpypants is off to attempt to sleep...wish me and the demons in my sleep good luck!

Epic Fail

2008-06-19T21:27:00.000-05:00

I'm very tired and grumpy so I probably shouldn't be blogging right now. But, while I'm here...

The title of this post is a gaming term but it definitely describes me and my mood the past day or so. Things have been all kinds of screwy at work and at home, too screwy and I'm burned out emotionally and physically. One of my supervisors basically alluded today that I need to take time off from work. The only problem with that is it won't help me get caught up at work and it won't help with things at home.

Meanwhile, we had a late-night talk, which let Him get out some of His frustrations. And, that was great...for Him because I can sense relief on His part. However, it left me feeling...well, you see the title. I don't know where things are going to go from here - I feel like I don't know much about anything anymore.

I may be lurking for a while longer than I expected...I don't even know if I'll be back at this point. Then again, I don't know what I'd really be going back to.

around here...

2008-06-06T23:38:00.002-05:00

last month was a very long and draining month but things feel like they're slowly falling back into place. some days, i'm pretty social but there are days when i just feel like lurking - maybe it's the voyeur in me. i am still here so don't be afraid to say hi, i'm just a little quieter while i sort things out inside and out....lady a

PS - in baby news, she's still growing on schedule and getting more active. i was borderline on my 1 hr. glucose tolerance test so i had to go in for the 3 hr. one today. with the other 2 kiddos, i was borderline on the 1 hr. and passed the 3 hr. so i'm not really worried at this point. if it turns out i do have gestational diabetes this time, i won't have a problem adjusting my diet to accommodate that (the joys of being raised by a registered dietitian) - i just hope that it won't be something i'll have to take meds for. the baby name search will be starting soon now that we're into the final trimester (yay!). in some ways, i'm a little sad that this is the last kid but i'm ready to be done with being pregnant - 3 in 3 years is more than enough for me. ok, time to get to bed so *poof!*

frustrations

2008-05-26T17:54:00.004-05:00

it's taken me a bit of time to get all of this together out of my head and in words...this is the culmination of a few days of thoughts and feelings...it may not be pretty but life isn't always a bunch of roses either...

things have been slowly improving around here. baby godzilla had his second birthday and has suddenly gotten much more vocal, the princess has started pulling up on things and using a sippy cup, and Daddy and i have been more "involved" with each other. yet, there is still a lingering sense of uneasiness hovering around me. we were recently audited by the state at work, which seemed to have gone better than expected but there were still some problems that are going to have to be corrected. both of the kids are doing well and the pregnancy's still running smoothly so i'm not worried there. our finances are getting back on track finally so no major worries there. so that pretty much leaves one major area...

yes, as i said earlier, i have made an effort to be more available for Daddy. and, for the most part, it's been going well. the only problem is that my body or my mind doesn't always want to cooperate. if i can get my mind engaged, my big preggo body seems to get in the way. but, if my body is in a state to finally cooperate, then i have a hard time getting my head into the right space. while things are better than they were, it's still bad enough that Daddy groped me the other night in His sleep and didn't even remember it. in some ways, i feel that it's just mostly my body getting in the way of things but i know that's not completely true. i know He gets frustrated with me and i'm even getting frustrated with myself. i don't want to sound like i'm not grateful that i have been blessed with another child, but this was one of the things i was worried about when the prospect of pregnancy came up again. and, i've tried to stay in a positive mindset but i guess i've failed at that. i may stop reading some of my kinkier bloggers for a while because it just reminds me of the empty spot in my heart right now. it's not that i lack the desire to submit, it's more that submission has become more difficult for me with each pregnancy. and yes, i know, being a submissive is a constant challenge...and there in lies part of the problem: i'm not just strictly a submissive. however, i haven't had that spark to my Dominant side either. some days, i feel like i'm doing well enough to keep myself together just as a human being, forget about anything else. unfortunately, my desires have become a casualty in the process. and, when i start to doubt whether i'm even cut out for this lifestyle, i remember back to how my life was when i was first "vanilla" or when i took a break once before....i can't go back there, it was more painful than this struggle.

maybe i'm just worrying too much about all of this...after all, i frequently joke that worrying is what i'm best at. then, why do i constantly feel like i'm not doing well enough? i can't count how thankful i am for our kids because it's the only area in my life that i can say for certain i am doing right. but, then i worry that, if i screw things up with Daddy, that i will hurt them. and i know firsthand that it's hard for kids to deal with a divorce. fuck it, i'm overanalyzing as always and all i'm doing is giving myself a lot of grief and a headache so let me stop while i'm ahead.

ok, back for round two....so where to start today? well, while listening to the Dr. Laura show, i came to the realization that one of the major problems i am having is that i'm holding part of myself back. despite being with Daddy for almost 4 years now, i keep holding my breath...keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for Him to leave me. the earlier years of our relationship have a lot to do with that and i'm not sure how to get past it. mostly because, just when i think i'm starting to finally be able to fully open up, He says or does something that causes me to shut down and retreat again. (i had originally inserted a passage outlining things He's done but then i realized i was only pointing out His flaws and not my own...playing the victim, bad me) i guess my point is....i'm not sure what my point is honestly. i could take the easy road out and blame all this on my parents' divorce...and i'm not trying to downplay the influence of that either. but, i also have to own my part in all of this as well because i am the one who chooses on a daily basis to keep a little bit of myself locked away. and, i think that's one reason why i wanted to blog about this...to be able to hold myself accountable not only to myself but to those who actually read this. so, where to go from here...good question. i guess the biggest thing will be posting this and getting all this out on the table. after all, i can't really know where He stands on all of this until He's able to read what's been bothering me....so here we go.

Woohoo!!

2008-05-17T08:45:00.002-05:00

i think i'm getting my mojo back! this week has been an absolute hellacious week at work as my tweeple, and Daddy, could tell you. as far as work goes, i have come to the realization that some of the demands that management and families have tried to put out there are just too much for anyone to handle, let alone me. that and i have had some very unrealistic expectations from some of my clients, so we're going to have to sit down and have some discussions *mwahaha*. in other areas, a couple of blogs that i follow have had recent posts in reflection of their relationships then and now. it made me think back on my own relationship with Daddy and how far we've progressed. also, thinking back about how things were in the beginning...before we had kids underfoot, before we were living with His parents...back when we lived in the 1-bedroom cave with just enough room for the two of us and my cat. those were very...uhm...yummy times, which i'll get into further details at a later time. to suffice it to say, those memories were enough to spur things back into the right direction for a bit of fun for Daddy this morning. i think the kids have even noticed that mommy and Daddy are in better moods this morning. ok, time to get everyone ready to go to the Farmer's Market! laters taters, lady a

a turnabout, i think...

2008-05-13T22:30:00.002-05:00

my mood has lifted slightly but it's like a thin veil of anxiety and agitation has taken the place of the dark cloud that once surrounded me. the only problem with that is i feel like i've suddenly become a victim of ADHD because i start feeling fidgety and restless very quickly, my attention easily swayed at the drop of a hat. even now, i am cleaning up the living room as i type this out because i keep getting distracted. then again, when i was in college, i couldn't study for a test if the room i was in was dirty or cluttered. i think i'm going to have to start taking Tylenol pm for 2 reasons - to keep my hips and back from killing me at night (but what can you expect when you're preggo) and to help me get some sleep so i'm somewhat useful at work the next day. i already know i'm probably going to be written up soon because my direct service hours are already down from last month and i don't foresee a sudden improvement later this month, especially with me being so scattered and unfocused. i think that's the main problem...i have so much going on that i've lost my focus on what is important. well, not to say that i don't know what's important, but i'm losing the ability to sort out how to manage my time so things get done but i'm not burning myself out at the same time. maybe i need to take up meditation but i'm not sure if i could do it.

i so think i need a change in jobs but i know that won't happen until after i've had the fairy-to-be because i can't afford to lose out on all the leave time i have saved up or the kick ass insurance, which is covering everything from prenatal to postpartum care. it's just getting so damn frustrating that my clients and their families expect me to be a miracle worker and pop up with all these services that we don't have funding for or that don't exist in our area. i can't count how many families ask about social activities for our clients and i want to explain to them that there aren't many social activities for "normal" people in this town, let alone people with mental and physical disabilities. and i know it's frustrating for them because, when they're in school, they provide all these opportunities for them but, as soon as they graduate, it just all drops off and they're left to figure it out on their own. i know that, after i graduated from college here, your main options were being heavily involved in church activities, going out to bars and clubs, or staying home and spending your time online....not exactly a stimulating environment. to the city's credit, there have been groups that have been forming recently to try to revive the downtown area. however, a lot of the proposed businesses that will be coming to the area are not very conducive to those on a fixed low income, like most of our clients are. also, the public transit system stops running at 6 PM so that also impedes them from getting out and involved in the community. there are obviously massive changes that need to be made from the local all the way up to the federal level to truly benefit our target population but no one wants to pony up the money to make it happen. and so, a large portion of the population suffers. i met the sweetest person the other day, i'll call her M. i almost called her a girl but she is 21 and knows how to speak her mind. M uses a wheelchair and is legally blind, thanks to childhood abuse. she was lucky enough to have attended one of the better schools in the area but graduated last year. she and her aunt, who she lives with, have been working towards getting her enrolled into an adult day care center which specializes in working with people with medical needs. however, the state agency in charge of approving those services has not approved her yet despite M's obvious need. in the meantime, her aunt has had to stay out of work to care for her medical needs, even though M receives 6 hours of home health care a day, and her student loan payments have started to pile up. if you were to meet M, your heart would just melt at her big smile. despite the hardships she has suffered during her life, she remains cheerful and optimistic about her future. and, she has come quite a long way...i just hope that she can keep that spark and light going long enough for things to fall into place for her. and, i hope that i'm able to help her because i would hate to see any kind of disappointment in her face. that's probably one of the few things that keep me going at this job...the pure gratitude and relief when things finally do fall into place for these people who have struggled so much, have had to overcome many obstacles, walk past the stares and whispers. when i used to work with mental health patients, i often had to tell myself that i couldn't save the world but i could try to make one life at a time better. i know some of my clients are in a better position than they were before but i feel like i've just stalled out with so many of them. it really may be time for a change because i'm not sure how much longer i can deal with this....damn, i didn't mean for this to get so depressing.

so there you go...top all this mess with 2 small children under 2, a third kid on the way which loves tormenting my innards, ups and downs with finances...and no wonder i haven't had much of a sex drive or a good night's sleep either. i guess, as the saying goes, sometimes it has to get worse before it can get better. it's slowly getting better...just really slowly.....lady a

random thoughts

2008-05-05T20:38:00.002-05:00

i mentioned the Lovings in a previous post earlier this year and, apparently, Mrs. Loving passed away recently. once again, all i can do is look at our beautiful children and say thank you to her and her husband - may they both rest in peace.

last night, while Daddy and i were laying in bed before we drifted off to sleep, the oldies station played this song. even though it's written from a guy's perspective, i found it pretty fitting for where part of my thoughts have been lately.

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you
Maybe I'm a man and maybe I'm a lonely man
Who's in the middle of something
That he doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a man
and maybe you're the only woman who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand
Maybe I'm a man and maybe I'm a lonely man
Who's in the middle of something
That he doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a man
and maybe you're the only woman who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
You right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you
Maybe I'm a man and maybe I'm a lonely man
Who's in the middle of something
That he doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a man
and maybe you're the only woman who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand

-lyrics by Wings and Paul McCartney

Back and forth, up and down...

2008-05-03T23:02:00.002-05:00

i will be so happy when i am done with this pregnancy and my body can return to normal (or as close to whatever that is). my mood has been off the chart this past week and i'm even growing tired of it. i'm sure it hasn't helped that it was the end of the month and i had several last-minute visits to get in at work. plus, i am under the radar at work because my direct service hours have not been as high as they are supposed to be. but this is all boring stuff that you probably don't care about. at any rate, i have been pretty stressed out trying to get stuff taken care of before the end of the month. and this month, we have 2 major things going on at work that pretty much determine how we get paid so we can't afford to screw up this month. meanwhile, my 2 supervisors (yes, 2) constantly email everyone in my department about small inane things that we've been doing for months, as if we're children who don't know what we're doing. if i get one more stupid email, i'm taking my computer monitor to someone's skull. *deep breath* in lighter news, we went back to the midwife this past week and the little fairy-to-be is developing just fine. we even got some 3D ultrasound pics of her face so that was really cool. i talked with our midwife about how soon i could go back to work and she said that, as long as i don't have any complications, she would be ok with me doing like i did with my last pregnancy and only be out from work completely 2 weeks. i know this sounds really quick but it actually worked out pretty well because i only did half-days when i did return to work. my former supervisor even ended up doing the same thing after doing just a couple days full-time after she returned from maternity leave. <i must insert for a moment that it is so bizarre to see Meatloaf selling cell phones - ok, back to the post> once all my grunt work for work was done for the month, my mood seemed to have shifted. in the past couple days, i've started listening to old CDs of mine from high school and college...and then today was Free Comic Book Day so i spent the afternoon reading comics. it's like i've been shifting back into the slightly rebellious, awkward feelings i had back then again. the only problem is that those awkward feelings have started to creep into my relationship with Daddy. just this morning, i felt comfortable touching Him but i didn't want Him to touch me, as if i felt uncomfortable in my own skin, about how my body looks. now, of course, let's keep in mind that, while i have had some issues with my weight over the years, i have become much more comfortable with my body in the past 6-7 years. i actually have to somewhat credit my involvement in BDSM with that but also my consecutive pregnancies as well. it's easier to deal with stretch marks when you have baby after baby. but, some of my stretch marks were already here before the babies...and He still loves my body despite that. i know i am extremely lucky that He still finds me attractive despite the stretch marks and my growing belly. i know i should kiss His feet everyday for that and yet my lack of a sex drive leads me away from this. i know i have been a horrible submissive for the past 2, almost 3 years really. and somehow, He keeps His patience with me...i guess in hopes that, one day, i will finally snap out of this cloud that has consumed me. i am seriously considering going on meds after this baby but i know the possible side effects, i've dealt with them firsthand with an ex of mine. i don't know if we could handle that, i don't know if i could handle that. and, partially, i'm hoping that i'll come out of it so i won't have to go on meds. having worked in the mental health field, i know that taking antidepressants is much more accepted in society than it used to be but there is still a slight stigma attached, especially in the African-American population (not to sound too clinical about it). i also know that it's going to take more than just meds to get me through this...medications can only do so much but therapy helps you to cope with the symptoms and to break through them - been there, did that my senior year of college. it was actually one of the best experiences i could've had and i'm glad i got lucky enough to find a decent therapist (even if he was a doctoral student - i really hope he went on to a successful practice). i think the hardest part for me is that i keep up a facade to most people and they have no clue as to my actual thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. even my "closest" friends really have no clue about what's going on with me because i rarely ever see them and, when i do, i usually don't disclose exactly everything that's going on. even when i post on twitter, i've censored myself or rewritten tweets at times out of a fear of losing followers (gotta love that classic fear of rejection - yay for kids of divorce). and sometimes, i hold back not out of fear but out of boredom with some of the day-to-day mundane conversations that go on. i've never been one to talk much to start with so i usually don't tweet unless i have something to say or i'm in one of my rare social moods. i know Daddy would say that i'm much more social than Him but, honestly, i'm more of a lurker than a social person. i've always floated around the fringes of all the social groups, even when i was in school. i knew people from every clique but i never fully fit into any of them. and, i feel the same thing even as an adult. i have little things in common with most of the people i know but i don't feel that i have met one person who i completely click with...well, other than Daddy. but, i even hold back from Him at times because i don't want to load Him down with all of my problems...He's even said that He doesn't like to see me sad because then that leads Him down a dark hole that He doesn't want to venture into. i'm really trying to keep it together, i am...i just don't know how much longer i can do this...and no, i'm not saying that i want to kill myself, i just want to feel happy again.

hmmm...

2008-04-19T22:59:00.002-05:00

i'm sure that my followers on twitter have noticed that i haven't been as social as usual. there's been a two-part reason for that...1 being that i have been given some of the problem cases to get my direct service time up at work (which has horribly backfired) and 2 being that i have been burned out physically (of course) and emotionally as well. as far as the work situation goes, they had me take on 4 problem cases to get my time up. however, even though my time has increased, i barely got any hours in this past week because not only did we have a full day of mandatory training but i am so worn out that i don't have the energy or patience to deal with my regular caseload. i've barely seen any of them at all this month unless something urgent has come up or if they've had a doctor's appointment scheduled. so, that means the next 2 weeks will be crunch time for me while i try to get visits in with the rest of my caseload (which is about 15 people unseen at this point). oh, and let's not forget about all the paperwork that has been piling up on my desk or that hasn't even been started at all. i understand that, in my department, the more time that is spent on direct face-to-face contact with clients equals more money for the department. however, it still doesn't help us in the long run when all of the case workers in my department are burnt out and looking for other jobs because there is no relief or support from other departments. of course, this has not been helping my overall mood, which has been pretty blah lately on its own. i know part of it has to do with the pregnancy - being a human incubator usually starts to get to me by this point. it's hard for me to believe that i'm only 22 weeks along and still have about another 19 to go. my belly is getting bigger, which is interfering with some of my daily activities and zapping my energy much quicker. i'm falling back into my pattern of trying to do everything for everyone and failing miserably. i know i need to take more "me" time, especially before the baby comes, but it's hard for me to justify doing so when He's stressed out from being with the kids all day and needs some help. the princess has been teething lately so she's been extra-fussy and needing extra attention and cuddles. meanwhile, Daddy's getting frustrated because of the lack of physical contact but, after dealing with needy clients and then coming home to needy kids, i just want to be left alone sometimes. it's almost like i'm fading away as i'm being sucked away by everyone else. it's not helping either that i'm starting to hit that stage of my pregnancy where i'm not sleeping too well. so, give me some time...hopefully i'll come out of this in one piece and with my brain somewhat intact...at least that's what i'm hoping for because i'm not sure how i'm going to make it otherwise.....laters, lady a

And just like the prodigal son...

2008-03-31T23:45:00.007-05:00

...i've returned! we've been back online for a few days now and i've been too enthralled with getting caught up on what i've missed since being away from the Internet, my precious. but, also, i've been hiding from blogging as well. i've had no problem keeping up with twittering, but the thought of putting words to the screen again was a bit intimidating. even now, i keep letting my attention stray to Rock of Love 2 (yeah, that's right, i like the crazy reality TV...well, not like Keeping Up with the Kardashians or The Simple Life crazy).

i know part of it is the lovely cycle of pregnancy hormones but the past couple months have been pretty stressful, both at work and home. after all, we didn't have an Internet connection because we got behind on our phone bill, which led to that getting cut off as we worked towards getting caught up/keeping up with other more important bills like water and electric. the height of our financial stress came when i came home to an eviction notice on our door. let me tell you how scary that was...an eviction notice, 2 little ones, one on the way, no family to assist us because they had helped us out so many times before. by the grace of god, one of my co-workers was able to help us out plus we got our tax return shortly thereafter so we were able to get fully caught up and back on track. unfortunately, all of this financial stress spilled over into our relationship as i was stressed to the hilt, being the sole income of the family. our intimacy level pretty much dropped to zero, which added an additional strain on us. add some major changes and mountains of paperwork at work on top of all of this and i'm surprised i didn't run off to join the circus as the amazing growing stomach. {damn Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp...i'm a drama addict!} oh, and let's not forget the past week and a half of allergies for me and the kiddos.

so, that brings us to now...we're financially on track again (actually got copies of our credit reports and were pleasantly surprised), work is still stressful but i've been able to detach myself more from it so i'm able to relax at home with the kids and with Daddy. this is why i always worry about those who have a slightly romanticized view of relationships...real life always seems to have a way of stepping on those rosy glasses and tossing them down the trash chute. but, the true test comes in how you come out of the situation...whether you get smooshed in the trash compactor along with the glasses or if you take those broken pieces to form a beautiful mosaic piece.

in baby news, we had our big ultrasound a couple weeks ago. it was pretty funny because the baby was already head down, so basically upside down. since the baby's rear end was in plain view as soon as the tech started up the u/s, it was pretty clear right from the start what we were having so we couldn't have missed it even if we didn't want to know. And it turns out we're having another princess!(which isn't a surprise if you're one of my twitter followers) i will admit to a bit of mixed emotions at finding out it was another girl - i was a little sad to realize that we've now had our only boy and now we have all these boy clothes to get rid of, i was nervous about the prospect of having 2 girls so close in age going through puberty and such together, i was excited at actually seeing our newest little girl (3D ultrasounds absolutely rock!). unfortunately, her head was so far down in my pelvis that the tech couldn't get a clear shot of her head for measurements or to give a clear shot of her face. so, following the u/s, our midwife said that, at our next appointment, she would have the office schedule me for another u/s so they could do the head and brain measurements and hopefully get a better shot of the fairy-to-be.

well, it's late and Good Eats is now on so i'm off to go snuggle with Daddy on the couch...toodles, lady a

A Matter of Perspective...

2008-01-21T16:50:00.000-06:00

i was watching Oprah as i like to do whenever i'm off from work or if i get off work earlier enough to catch it. while watching her coverage of Martin Luther King and the civil rights movement, the case of Loving v. Virginia was mentioned. little was i aware of the fact that interracial marriages were not legalized until 1967. of course, as a black female, i have always been appreciative of those who fought for the freedoms i have been allowed today. but, i definitely want to thank the Lovings for taking their case all the way to the Supreme Court. had it not been for them, my own marriage may still be considered illegal. i always get compliments about how adorable our children are, some even think that they are part Hispanic. but, i must say that i am impressed that we have gotten very few negative looks, even living in a Southern state. Daddy's family was very accepting of me and welcomed me with open arms into the family. one of Daddy's family friends previously used to use the n-word rather freely but has ceased using it since getting to know me. my family has always taken the stance of "as long as you're happy, we're happy for you". it is nice how times have changed and people are more accepting now.

Thank you Dr. King. Thank you to the Lovings and their family. Thank you to all who marched, sat in, protested, signed petitions, and sacrificed their lives in the civil rights movement.

Updates in Babyland

2008-01-12T20:30:00.000-06:00

We had our second visit Wednesday with the midwife. We had our second ultrasound first thing. I'm now 8 1/2 weeks along. Based off the ultrasound, our EDD is 8/17/08, which puts the LO's birthday right after the Princess's. We got to hear our little one's heartbeat as well :) I guess the UTI successfully passed because the midwife didn't make any mention of it, which is fine by me since i hated being on antibiotics. Luckily, my morning sickness seems to be subsiding so my energy is starting to pick back up, thank goodness.

Speaking of the Princess, she now has 2 teeth on the bottom and has had her first taste of rice cereal. She's taking to it a lot better than her big brother did. The only problem we run into is the cereal thinning out before she eats it all. It's almost like it's pulling the water out of the air to thin it out. She's getting more mobile too...if you lay her on her floor mat, she can maneuver herself around 90 degrees. If she has her small pillow underneath her chest when she's on her tummy, she can even flip herself over. She hasn't mastered this on flat ground yet but all in time. Hopefully, next paycheck or so, we can get her a little play center so she can start working on standing and all. Daddy's managed to get both her and her brother on the same nap schedule so He can get more done during the day. Well, that's all the news to print tonight....laters, lady a

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night....

2007-12-25T21:44:00.000-06:00

We did yet another nontraditional Christmas this year. We loaded up the kiddos and headed up to Dallas to visit my dad and his side of the family. Most of them had only seen the princess in pictures and my grandmother hadn't seen either one in person yet.

As soon as we walked in the door, they were both whisked off to the family room to see everyone while i struggled to get my coat and shoes off. My grandma, who bless her heart is losing weight at an alarming rate, just oohed and aahed over the kids. Baby godzilla quickly hooked up with his uncle (my soon to be 11 yr. old half-brother) and took to following him around the rest of the weekend. The princess got passed around from person to person, cameras flashing at her left and right. Meanwhile, me, Daddy, and baby godzilla snagged some dinner while we had a moment. (Side note - I have to say that it still disturbs and tickles me a little that the princess always laughs whenever baby godzilla starts crying - ok, back to our regularly scheduled blogging) One round of family leaves, giving us a chance to open the kids' presents in relative quiet. Of course, they received several noisy toys (thank you...so...much) as well as an outfit a piece. Round 2 of relatives arrive to see the kids and also to take advantage of my dad's satellite TV so they can catch the Cowboys game. They briefly acknowledge the kids in between plays and during commercials, which enthrall baby godzilla so their attempts are futile there. They head out so now comes the fun task to winding down two kids who have been grossly overstimulated. Luckily, the overstimulation has been enough to cause the princess to fall asleep as soon as they leave. Unfortunately, baby godzilla has now hit his second wind and is ready to rock and roll. Daddy attempts to get him in bed to no avail so we decided to just let him stay up til he crashes. 3 hours later, he's still up and we're ready to crash so we bring him up to bed with us and park him in between us. 2 grown adults, sharing a queen-sized bed with a 19 month-old who is used to having his own space to sprawl out in - not fun. Even more "not fun" - him waking up to change positions about every 2 hours, or less at times. Needless to say, the only one who got a decent night's sleep was the princess, who had the luxury of sprawling out in her portable playpen/bassinet.

The next morning, i wake up teetering precariously near the edge of the bed. so, rather than try to wiggle my way back into the bed, i go ahead and get up. my stepmom and half-brother were already up, getting ready for their flight to Louisiana to visit her mom for the holidays. my dad made breakfast for all of us before they left and miraculously didn't burn the toast (long story short, he used to do it all the time when i was a kid and tried to scrape it off). While my dad took them off to the airport, we got dressed and loaded the car back up. By the time he got back, we were ready to head over to my aunt's house on our way out of town. We made one last visit to her and my grandma, also getting a little food before hitting the road. Baby godzilla got a kick out of playing with my aunt's 2 cocker spaniels and the princess loved being fawned over again. my grandma kept commenting on how heavy the princess weighs and my aunt gently reminded her that i was a larger baby as well. we finally hit the road and didn't run into much traffic thankfully.

on the pregnancy front, i got a call from my midwife before we left town. the lab results from last week showed that somehow i contracted a UTI so she called in a script for an antibiotic. the downside to the meds is that they seem to be enhancing my "morning" sickness, making me tired as hell. an interesting side effect is that my pee (i know, TMI) has turned a bright, almost neon yellow-green. i will be so happy when i get off these antibiotics, although i know i'll still have some m/s. speaking of which, i don't know why they call it "morning" sickness because it doesn't happen just in the morning. i am now off to bed before my stomach decides to do flips again....nighty night and Merry Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate), lady a

about 4 weeks

2007-12-19T21:17:00.001-06:00

it seems that is how far along i am. we met with the midwife today and reviewed my previous pregnancies with her. she encouraged us to do like we did with the princess and stay at home as long as we can before heading to the hospital. for now, i am thinking of trying to do this delivery naturally. i must reallllly be going crazy if i'm giving that an honest thought. the midwife said we can just play it by ear and see how things progress. it's pretty cool because she's the only midwife in town right now (and weee've got her, na na na naa naa). she seems really nice and the girls at the clinic love the kids. they did an ultrasound today but i'm so early in that all you could see was a little black dot that's the yolk sac. the midwife said we can come back in 3 weeks to have another one done so hopefully we can see the heartbeat and all. i still took the picture back to work with me and showed it around. most of the responses were surprised but positive. there was one of my co-workers who seemed absolutely horrified that i was pregnant again...i kept a smile on my face and didn't kill her (i know, shocking) and ironically, she is the biggest conservative holy-roller so i'm surprised she wasn't in favor of us being fruitful and multiplying *lol* ok, both of the kiddos are down early so i'm going to watch nightline like the 50 yr. old grandma i am and head to bed.....nighty night, lady a :)

blogging, blogging, blogging....

2007-12-18T22:24:00.000-06:00

i don't really have anything in particular to write about tonight....just felt the need to write and say something. i'm starting to fall into my typical 1st trimester fatigue...mainly emotional at this point. physical fatigue usually steps in the 2nd trimester. the past month or so, i have felt so overwhelmed by everything that now i'm getting to the point of not caring. not to say that i'm neglecting my daily tasks but it's kinda like in Office Space after he gets hypnotized...i kinda feel like i'm in that peaceful place where i'm not worried about anything. i say this yet there is a heaviness over my heart right now and i'm not sure where it's coming from. i know the change in weather has had something to do with it because this happens every year about this time, pregnant or not. i'm trying not to slip into the dark hole because i know that when i do, other areas of my life suffer and i don't want that to happen. it probably is not helping that the media bombards us with all kinds of emotional crap this time of year, trying to get you to buy more stuff to fill those empty holes in your soul. i'm thinking i may have to unplug myself to get myself back on track....which would be great to do on my Christmas break. however, there are miles to drive, family to see, and a little time for relaxing...not nearly enough though. i'll get back into my right mind one of these days, just might take me a bit to get there. ok, off to try and numb my brain so i can get some sleep.....night all, lady a

odd odd things....

2007-12-12T23:02:00.000-06:00

hmmm, i guess i should start with the biggest news of late....it seems that mother nature has decided that i am just a baby-making machine because i am pregnant yet again (2 pee sticks to confirm it, thanks). this past sunday, i was having trouble sleeping, which normally is not a problem for me. i had a suspicion so i went to the downstairs bathroom to see if i was right. sure enough, the very faint second line showed up. i took it upstairs to show Daddy....after He adjusted to the bright light, He said "I guess I'll really be pulling My hair out with 3 little ones around." i will be completely honest...my first reaction was to cry. having 2 so close together was a surprise but a fairly easy adjustment. however, the thought of having 3 little ones so close together was a bit much for me to handle. i was pretty depressed and we discussed our options for the next couple days. we were at the point where we were considering an option that, in the end, neither of us were prepared to handle. so, another little munchkin it is....lord help us all. we are getting a midwife this time though and i think it's going to go much smoother than my previous deliveries. we have our initial appointment with her next week so we'll find out exactly how far along i am and all. so far, no morning sickness so that's a good thing.

in other news, we have a new kitten named drucilla. she was a stray picked up in one of our parking lots at work. she was so friendly that we knew she had been around people before. actually, she was originally thought to be a "he" but, after we got "him" home, we quickly discovered that it was a "she". she's a darling little black and white kitty, full of energy. my cat Charlie is still adjusting to her but there haven't been any fights yet, just the occasional hissing.

last night was our Christmas party for our clients at work. we had them dress up this year and decorated the hall like a winter formal. it was really cute to see them all dressed up and getting their pictures taken in front of the Christmas decorations. we had one client who got overstimulated and had to go home after hitting a couple people but, overall, it went well. i was really surprised at how many of them were out dancing and some of them could really get down too. the only problems were that it rained off and on during pickup and drop off so that was a pain and also i obviously am not used to walking around in heels for 3 1/2 hours straight. my legs and feet were killing me this morning....the stairs are my enemy.

i've been feeling rather blah today - i think being tired from yesterday and the cold drizzly weather didn't help matters. hopefully my mood will perk back up soon because i really don't like this feeling. plus, i feel bad because Daddy is usually wanting to be affectionate whenever i'm feeling blah to try and cheer me up. usually, for me to cheer up, it's just a matter of waiting for the grey cloud to pass, so to speak. but, everything bores me....work, home, the kids, twitter, irc...so that's rather frustrating. oh well, ish bedtime for me now so laters all....lady a

Shaking the Big Rattle

2007-11-12T23:33:00.000-06:00

the parenting gods are testing me tonight...first she spits up while i'm changing her, giving her the opportunity to pee again while i'm cleaning her up. then, while i'm getting her into her new onesie, she decides to do a massive spitup all over herself and my leg. just let her crash soon please!

a quickie before bed...

2007-11-11T23:54:00.000-06:00

things have been going okies around here. our computer monitor spazzed out on us so we were basically offline for a little over a week. i've been twittering away like crazy to make up for it though. luckily, our goodwill out here recently opened up a store just for computers and computer parts. we were able to replace our monitor for only $20. and, they do auctions every saturday...the PIC got 3 old Palm's for $15. a couple of them should be salvagable, the other one will satisfy His need for destruction. the kiddos are doing ok. baby godzilla has a new favorite book that i read to him at bedtime, cute little book about dinosaurs at bedtime. the princess is getting more ticklish now, it's so cute to see her giggle and squirm. work has been hellish...i am still behind on paperwork, partially from clients not cooperating with me and partially from my own procrastination. it's just hard to stay motivated sometimes when there is little cooperation between departments and constant unrealistic demands from management, especially for what we make. but, i've got a job, a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, food in our fridge, and a car to get around so i'm not completely bitching. after all, this is the season to start thinking about what you have and being grateful for it, rather than focusing on what you don't have. and, speaking of what i have, i've got a warm bed to snuggle with Daddy in so toodles all......lady a

Happy Halloween

2007-10-31T22:49:00.000-05:00

...to all the ghouls, goblins, pervs, and deviants. Halloween didn't go exactly as planned around here but it wasn't all bad either. both me and my PIC had major headaches so we didn't feel up to taking the kids out. so, we figured we'd hand out candy to trick-or-treaters....2 kids came by, nice thought in theory. now, i'm tired with a blinding headache and the lil princess doesn't want to go to sleep...yay....forever sleep-deprived and in pain, lady a

Lost Identity at the Customer Service Desk

2007-10-27T15:34:00.000-05:00

yesterday was my 29th birthday - happy birthday to me. it was a nice day - had a nice dinner with the PIC and the kidlets, had a few yummy drinks, had a nice evening after the kids went to bed *weg* however, i really detest birthdays because then you get to go through that whole reevaluation of your life. i really don't know when my sense of self slipped away from me. i really think it started to drift away somewhere during college, no telling exactly when. don't get me wrong, i obviously have some sort of direction out here in the world, especially in my line of work and with the kids. but, it just feels like i don't have much time for just me anymore. i'm caught in that eternal mommy struggle of putting everyone and everything on god's green earth before myself and then wanting to kick myself for it. por ejemplo, we were just at the store and i was looking at some books for myself. but then, i thought to myself "when will i have time to read it? i already have piles of books i haven't had time to read. and the little guy really could use a new book because we're really trying to get him into reading. or, maybe we should get him a new DVD instead so then i need to find a cheaper book...." etc, etc, etc. this happens almost everytime we go out. and if it's not something for the kids i'm thinking about, then it's something for Him, or my little sister, or one of my clients....it's a neverending vicious cycle. i've always told people that you can't save the world but you can try to help put them in a better place. when am i going to do that for myself?

...and we're back!

2007-10-22T21:42:00.002-05:00

well, the little princess has arrived...8-12-07 at 11:45 AM. luckily, she was a quick delivery and weighed in at 8 lbs. 10 oz., only slightly bigger than her big brother. we only got internet back about a month or so ago so i'm getting back into the swing of things slowly but surely. little godzilla has been taking her presence well and is very protective of her. she already has her own bodyguard at 2 months old. it's amazing that she has grown up so fast already. she's starting to squeal and giggle at all of us. then again, the little man can scale stairs like no one's business and his vocabulary is growing too.

meanwhile, things have been progressing between myself and the PIC. we had a major discussion and i think a big roadblock has finally been cleared. now, things are how they should have been from the beginning, but then again complete trust takes time to earn and to be given.

we have met a great group on people on IRC that we talk with regularly. we finally tired of the monotonous drama and gossiping on yahoo, although we have both kept an active ID there. there are many more actual conversations in the IRC realm which is a welcome change from the endless string of greetings and farewells on yahoo. we are hoping to be able to join a discussion group in Houston but we have to find a decent sitter for the kids first.

ok enough for tonight...the weather is finally cooler so time to go snuggle with the PIC...lady a

4 Weeks and Counting...

2007-07-14T20:20:00.000-05:00

well, we went to the doctor this past Tuesday and she said that i am not dilated yet but i am 50% effaced. she also said that her head is down already so she's getting into position. i've almost gotten things together at work in case i don't make it til my due date. luckily i don't have any appointments scheduled for monday so i can try to get the last bits of paperwork done. meanwhile, we have a baby shower next weekend with my dad's side of the family. that should be interesting. my grandmother is supposed to be there and she hasn't had the chance to meet the little guy in person yet so i know we're both excited about that. and, i think someone is eager to get out because she has been rather squirmy lately. sometimes, it feelis like she's trying to reach her way out of my body...which is not very pleasant by any stretch of the imagination. speaking of which, someone is thumping, almost in a pulsating way so i'm going to go let the PIC feel....laters all :)

Sunday mornings

2007-07-08T09:53:00.000-05:00

happy sunday everyone. i have always liked sunday mornings ever since i was a kid. they felt special compared to other mornings for some reason. i think maybe because sundays were a more quiet and relaxed kind of day compared to the rest of the week. of course, sundays aren't as quiet anymore with a 13 month old toddling around the house but that's ok. we're in the process of getting things packed up for our move in a couple weeks. it's funny because, with both kiddos, we've been preparing for a move right before their birth. luckily with the little guy, we had some time after he was born to still work on packing and all. this time, we'll still be settling in when she comes around, provided she doesn't come early. i've been trying to get things together at work in case i go into labor early but it hasn't happened yet. on days when i plan to work on stuff, that's when people want to stop in to see me or reschedule appointments. it doesn't help that my supervisor is wanting us to try and see everyone in the first 2 weeks of the month. i know that doesn't sound hard but it is not as easy as it seems either as a lot of our clients tend to forget appointments or change residences on a regular basis. so far, i think i've seen about half of the people i've attempted to see...yay. hopefully, my supervisor will come back somewhat relaxed from her vacation this week and not be uber-stressed over this so she doesn't hound us about it. i'm sure it's a passive-aggressive trait i picked up as a kid somewhere but, when someone bugs me to do something, i have a tendency to put it off as long as feasibly possible. i know, bad me. anywho, i guess i need to go do some work on packing and all so, until laters.....lady a

slacker!

2007-07-02T22:08:00.000-05:00

i know, i know, i've been slacking. this was a lazy weekend all around for us. we did get some of our old video games and dvds exchanged and we've been working on getting more packing done tonight. moving last time was a bit of a pain but not too bad since little godzilla was still so young. but this time, he's old enough to require constant distraction to keep him out of the way so this will be more of a challenge. the good thing is that we will be in a more family-friendly neighborhood so we don't have to deal with bitchy college students banging on the ceiling if he makes too much noise. actually, we're hoping to make a little extra income by babysitting some of the neighbor kiddos along with ours. let's just hope that they are well behaved and don't bring in too many germs. oddly enough, the PIC is nesting more than me lately. at least one of us is working on all this stuff and we've got a lot of stuff. but, each move, we purge more and more stuff...then again, we also collect more and more stuff each move so i don't know if we've really evened out. we've got actual furniture of our own now so that's nice and it's decent stuff that should hold together for a while. blah, ok...i'm getting tired and my back is hurting so i'm going to go now.

Baby Shower #1...and chicken pox??

2007-06-28T20:34:00.001-05:00

today was my baby shower at work. lots of thanks to my co-workers who were kind enough to throw it for us. we got lots and lots of diapers, which is good. we also got some really cute outfits and blankets. baby godzilla tried to steal the show while we were opening presents and tried to steal his sister's new little puppy. we ended up with quite a bit of food leftover from the shower so that was nice.

the little guy has broken out in a rash and we're wondering if it's aftereffects of his chicken pox vaccine. the bad thing is that, if he does have it right now, that means me and my PIC are also being exposed to it. the worst thing about that is that i've never had chicken pox. so, he's going to call the pediatrician tomorrow to see if it's actual chicken pox or just a rash. in the meantime, we're trying to keep him comfortable and we'll see how it goes. at least if he does get it now, it won't be as bad if he happens to get it again when he's older. but now, both me and my PIC are itching from the thought of possible chicken pox *lol* well, speaking of which, time to try and make someone feel better and do a little scratching on myself.....night all, lady a

Doctor Visits...wheee

2007-06-27T18:48:00.000-05:00

this has been the week of doctor visits. i visited the OB yesterday. i have to say i absolutely love my OB and i am so bummed that she is not accepting new GYN patients. i see her again in 2 weeks, when she'll check to see if i've dilated any yet. after that, it's on to the weekly visits. today, i was talking to one of the clients' moms, who has 10 kids. she said that her first kid was average-sized and then they started getting bigger after that. i really hope that this kiddo is not too much bigger than her brother because 8 lbs. 9 oz. was big enough. luckily, i haven't had any braxton-hicks contractions in a while so hopefully she'll stay put til it's time to come out. tomorrow is my baby shower at work. there are 2 other people at my office who are pregnant, including my supervisor. the good thing is that she has been really flexible with me...the bad thing is that this is her first pregnancy and she falls into that realm of thinking that pregnant women are fragile things who can't do most things. when i was pregnant with little godzilla, i was working at an arts and crafts store and i would be climbing up and down ladders getting boxes of inventory with no problem. oh well, i'm not going to bitch though because it's nice to be pampered a little bit. we took the little guy to the urologist today to do a consult about getting him circumcised. my old OB didn't inform us that we had a time/weight limit to get it done and, by the time we had the money saved up to get it done, he was too old and too big to get it done. our pediatrician out there told us we would have to wait until he was 2 to get it done...yeah, ok. needless, we asked our ped here about it at his 1 year checkup and she referred us. our urologist's name is dr. pinkstaff, which both me and the PIC found rather humorous considering the part of the anatomy he mostly deals with. he described the procedure for both of us, which i think he went into a little more detail for me since i'm not a guy. it doesn't sound like it will be too bad of a procedure but we'll see how it goes. i'm just glad that we don't have him in daycare because i would hate for some stranger to be in charge of taking care of that afterwards. and, i'm sure you have now figured that, since i work and the kiddo isn't in daycare, that means that my PIC is the stay-at-home parent. one of my coworkers asked me today if he honestly likes doing it and it has worked out well for all of us, i think. he gets a chance to work on his writing (or play video games) and keep an eye on the little one. i would rather one of us be there to raise him than him be taken care of by strangers, even if they are nice strangers. the eventual goal is for us to have our own business but we've got to get our credit straight first. okies, time to devote attention to "so you think you can dance"....laters mashed taters :)

Tada!

2007-06-25T19:12:00.000-05:00

...i made it back as promised. i wanted to share a bit of conversation me and my partner in crime had last night.

PIC: "I want to apologize"
me: "For what?"
PIC: "For being snippy..and bitchy...basically being an ass"
me: "Apology accepted...and i'm sorry for not being as 'intimate' with you as i should be"
PIC: "It's ok"
me: "It's just that someone has been very active and i feel like an incubator lately"

it's not often he apologizes so i have to mark the occasions when he does. but, i have to say that i am lucky that he is willing to apologize on occasion....better than some husbands.

meanwhile, i think the little one is teething...yay. i will be soooo happy when this is over, if not for all the fussiness, then the horrible poop that comes along with teething. i don't understand why it is that teething makes their poop so much more stinkier and looser. all i know is that baby tylenol is my friend during teething.

oh, i do want to take a moment out to say safe travels to my former officemate who is on his way to Taiwan as we speak. it was kinda funny because we were only 4 years apart in age but, in some ways, i almost felt much older as we would talk about our life experiences. i hope he learned some from me as i learned from him as well. i, at least, can safely say that he now knows the difference between pink floyd and led zepplin. i wish him much luck as he enters the world of academia yet again.

i also want to take a minute to say farewell to a dear person....Dr. Jack, you lived a full life but you cut it off too short. you will be missed, dear friend...i hope you are finally at peace.

on that note, i'm off to go play with the little wobbly one. until later.....

In The Beginning...

2007-06-24T20:42:00.000-05:00

there was madness and it was crazy...but fun. i'm not too good with journaling/blogging/what have you but i'm making a resolution to spend at least 10 minutes each day i'm online posting something here...be it some random babbling or a link to something or a picture. so here goes my first 10 minutes here. i would post a description of myself but that's pointless as i'm still working on who exactly i am. the various voices in my head have several opinions but there hasn't been an unanimous vote yet. besides, i think learning about me will come through reading about me anyways so we'll just make it easier on each other and get to know each other as it comes. as far as my current status goes, i am very pregnant and ready to get this little girl out...unfortunately, she's still got another month to hang out and take up room but we're both hanging in there. meanwhile, her little brother is trying to suck up as much attention as possible before he has to share the limelight. my occasionally patient partner in crime/husband and i have been together for almost 4 years and married for a little over one...yeah i was one of those preggo brides (pics to come later). and, my poor cat just hides from it all. well, someone is putting an end to my writing tonight so he can get lap time. so until next time....lady a